Clean Jokes For Adults That Are Actually Funny: 53+ Best + More
You’re about to read the best clean jokes for adults ever crafted in human history. They display the brilliant wit of some of the world’s greatest comedians. They are totally hilarious at all levels. Plus, they can be used as the perfect clean jokes for work to lighten the mood.
Most are hilarious medium length jokes, while many are clean story jokes that are actually funny. Plus, this page has a section dedicated to clean puns. But this page has more than just a collection of text jokes. It also has totally awesome bonus content you’ll definitely enjoy.
This page has so much cleanliness you can drown in soap without ever touching any soap. In short, clean humor has never been funnier than here on Humoropedia.com. So I’m sure you’ll enjoy your stay here.
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You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Why didn’t the tea introduce itself at the party? It was a little chai.
Three guys were walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
What did the cannibal serve with tea? Finger sandwiches.
The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
George Carlin: “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.”
Groucho Marx: “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Groucho Marx: “Room service? Send up a larger room.”
I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
One Of The Best Long Clean Jokes For Adults
Teacher: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” Timmy: “I want to follow in my father’s footsteps and be a policeman.” Teacher: “I didn’t know you father was a policeman.” Timmy: “He isn’t. He’s a burglar.”
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Clean Story Jokes That Are Short & Hilarious
Jarod Kintz: “I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.”
Norm Macdonald: “They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.”
Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Rodney Dangerfield: “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
The teacher called Little Timmy to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.” “Of course it is.” said Timmy. “It’s the same dog.”
One Of The Best Clean Story Jokes
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks: ”Is it trained?” The parrot replies: ”I’m trained but I’m not sure about my owner.”
If you’ve enjoyed these clean story jokes, please keep on reading because you’ll definitely enjoy the rest of this page.
11 Funny Clean Puns For Kids, Teens, And Adults
Some humans iPee like the dog when they keep using their iPods and iPads.
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, unlike the screaming passengers in his car.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
How did the blonde die ice fishing? She was hit by the zamboni.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.
Insect puns bug me.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It sucks.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
11 Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny
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What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
Why did banana go to doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean jokes.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? The telephone.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?” Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
My friend thinks he’s smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face.
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem.”
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says chew chew chew.
Edgy, Semi Clean Jokes For Work
These jokes are edgy but semi clean. So they’re clean enough to retell during water cooler talk.
Rodney Dangerfield: “Last week I told my psychiatrist: ‘I keep thinking about suicide.’ He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.”
Rodney Dangerfield: “Last week I told my psychiatrist: ‘I keep thinking I’m a dog.’ He told me to get off his couch.”
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law? A judge.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
George Carlin: “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes.
What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a***oles.
One Of The Very Best, Very Funny Clean Jokes
Rodney Dangerfield: “I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said: ‘On your mark.'”
I hope you agree that this is one of the very best, very funny clean jokes that is both edgy and unique. If you do, then please continue reading this page because you’re gonna like the rest of the jokes.
Long Jokes For Adults
I did my best to bring you only the best long jokes. I’m sure you’ll agree with my assessment. So please read this section until the end because the best long joke is at the end.
Father And Mother Tell Their Sides Of The Story
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
11 I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Lawyer’s 3 Questions
The man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks: “How much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“That’s expensive, isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”
Long Clean Joke For Seniors
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.
One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.
Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”
“Playing a game,” the boy replied.
“What is your name?” the officer questioned.
“Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Johnny’s Seven Cats
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Edgy Clean Joke
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
MIT Graduate Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A Blonde And A Redhead Trying To Run A Ranch
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”
The Ugly Baby Joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Clean Joke About The Couple’s Argument
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
Man With A Bad Wife Tries To Escape The Cop
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back.”
Semi Clean Joke About Wrong Four Legs
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
Bank Robber Who Loved Geography
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them.”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available.”
One Of The Best Long Jokes For Adults
A thief stuck a pistol in the man’s ribs and said: “Give me your money.”
The man replied: “You can’t do this. I’m a congressman.”
The thief replied: “In that case, give me my money.”
Apparently, the snowmen want more sugar than corn flakes can provide.
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
