45 Funny Clean Jokes And Puns

These are the most awesome clean jokes and puns you’ll find. LOL with ’em now.

Please keep reading this page until the very end. There’s a good reason for that. The funniest clean joke ever is at the end of this page. Plus, you’ll enjoy lots of laughs along the way.

By the way, how would do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.

11 Funny Clean Puns For Kids, Teens, And Adults

Funny Clean Pun About The Dog And iPad
Some humans iPee like the dog when they keep using their iPods and iPads.
  1. If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
  2. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  3. My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, unlike the screaming passengers in his car.
  4. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
  5. How did the blonde die ice fishing? She was hit by the zamboni.
  6. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
  7. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
  8. A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.
  9. Insect puns bug me.
  10. My leaf blower doesn’t work. It sucks.
  11. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

11 Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny

Clean Joke About Face Wash Commercial
Share this joke if you find it either funny or clean.
  1. What do you call sad coffee? Despresso.
  2. Why did banana go to doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
  3. What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean jokes.
  4. What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? Put it on my bill.
  5. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
  6. What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? The telephone.
  7. Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
  8. Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?” Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
  9. My friend thinks he’s smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut in his face.
  10. Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem.”
  11. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says chew chew chew.

Lawyer’s 3 Questions

The man walks into a lawyer’s office and asks: “How much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”

“That’s expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

7 Somewhat Clean Jokes For Work

  1. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  2. What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law? A judge.
  3. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
  4. Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes.
  5. What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
  6. How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
  7. An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Father And Mother Tell Their Sides Of The Story

A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

11 I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Long Clean Joke For Seniors

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a game,” the boy replied.

“What is your name?” the officer questioned.

“Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

Johnny’s Seven Cats

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Edgy Clean Joke

Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

MIT Graduate Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

A Blonde And A Redhead Trying To Run A Ranch

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

The Ugly Baby Joke

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Clean Joke About The Couple’s Argument

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

Man With A Bad Wife Tries To Escape The Cop

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back.”

Semi Clean Joke About Wrong Four Legs

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

Bank Robber Who Loved Geography

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Check Out 20 Best Banker Jokes

Long Clean Joke About The Police

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them.”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available.”

Funniest Clean Joke Of The Day

A thief stuck a pistol in the man’s ribs and said: “Give me your money.”

The man replied: “You can’t do this. I’m a congressman.”

The thief replied: “In that case, give me my money.”

Funny Clean Jokes About Snowmen
Apparently, the snowmen want more sugar than corn flakes can provide.

Enjoyed these clean jokes and puns? Then please share them with your relatives and friends.

Want more really funny jokes?

Then check out 23 Little Johnny Jokes or 30 One Liner Jokes. Alternatively, check out 15 Knock Knock Jokes.

Related Links

  1. Thought Catalog
  2. LaffGaff
  3. Pinterest
  4. Jokes4us
  5. Laugh Factory
  6. Reader’s Digest
  7. Another related link from Laugh Factory

 

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