99+ Really Funny Comebacks, Insults, & Burns List

Laugh like a maniac and shut jerks up with these really funny comebacks and insults. They’re the best burn jokes you’ll find. You’d laugh and the jerks would be very pissed.

At the page end, you can vote for your favorite comeback. Please do so and share it with all your friends today.

To start the fun, enjoy an insulting quote from one of my favorite comedies.

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
— French Guard, Monty Python and the Holy Grail

7 Best Clean Comebacks For Bullies And Jerks

These clean comebacks will definitely shut up any bully or jerk. So use them with vengeance against any mean person. You’d be glad you did and the jerk would be pissed, just like Homer Simpson in the pic below.

Funny Comebacks from The Simpsons
  1. Stupidity’s not a crime, so feel free to go.
  2. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated.
  3. Please, save your breath. You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.
  4. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
  5. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
  6. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
  7. I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.

7 Best Mean Comebacks From Reddit

Guys on Reddit have recounted stories with some of the rudest and meanest comebacks. Below you’ll find the best of them. Please share this page if you like them.

1

Someone was trashing on a user here on Reddit while using awful punctuation.

Reply goes “You missed so many periods that i’m sure you’re pregnant.’

2

Girl 1: would you wear socks if you had no feet

Girl 2: (confused) what?

Girl 1: (slowly) would you wear socks if you had no feet?

Girl 2: (still confused) no

Girl 1: why do you wear a bra then.

3

My ex-gf met my new gf..

“oh, did you know, I used to go out with quadgop?”

“yes, he mentioned you. Once.”

4

My cousin was in town for Thanksgiving. He goes up to my 10 year old skinny nephew and jokes “hey, it looks like you are gaining weight.” My 10 year old cousin without skipping a beat tells him “Hey, it looks like you have diabetes.” My cousin is 300 plus pounds. He hasn’t been back to visit since.

5

The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.

My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.

And they’ve been happily married ever since.

6

Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn’t real: “Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn’t bring you presents, you should think about why.”

7

Female friend: “I’ll just meet a doctor and become a trophy wife.”

Male friend: “They don’t give trophies for last place”

7 Really Good Clean Roasts To Say

  1. I don’t think you’re unintelligent. You just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
  2. You’re not as bad as people say. You’re a whole lot worse.
  3. It’s looks like your face caught on fire and somebody tried to extinguish it with a hammer.
  4. There is only one problem with your face: I can see it.
  5. It’s great to see how you don’t let your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  6. If I ever said anything to offend you, it was purely intentional.
  7. You look like something that I would draw with my left hand.

If you think these clean roasts are amusing, you’ll also like this 49 Most Savage Roasts And Jokes List.

7 Really Good Burns And Burn Jokes

  1. I couldn’t warm to you if you were on fire.
  2. You’ve got a face that could turn fresh milk sour.
  3. You’d need twice the brains to qualify as a half-wit.
  4. You have the face of a saint. A Saint Bernard, that is.
  5. Let’s go to the zoo. I’ve always wanted to meet your family.
  6. The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
  7. I’d tell you how I really feel, but I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express myself in this case.

If you like these burns, please share this page with all you friends now. They would be amused. Then feel free to watch the funny video below or check out 35 funny Spongebob roasts, quotes, and jokes.

YouTube Video You May Enjoy

Good Comebacks You Can Use In An Argument Today

  1. Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
  2. I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
  3. If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Check out really funny laffy taffy jokes we found for you

  1. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
  2. You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
  3. I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!

Check out really funny trucker jokes that will make you laugh

  1. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
  2. I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.
  3. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

Sandwiches aren’t only for eating and throwing at each other. They’re also for making good comebacks you can use in an argument. Just check out the pic below.

Best Comebacks About A Sandwich
Would you rather have a sandwich or pizza comeback?
  1. I was pro life before I met you.
  2. Are your parents siblings?
  3. I’m blonde, what’s your excuse?
  4. You better hope you marry rich.
  5. You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, ‘concentrate’.

Check out this awesome collection of funny acronyms from all over the Web

  1. Shock me, say something intelligent.
  2. You have the perfect face for radio.
  3. Two legged stool sample.
  4. Damn not you again.
  5. Nice tan, orange is my favorite color.
  6. I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was you.

Even a happy meal can cause a funny insult. So you better have self-control and sense of humor, not a happy meal. Just look at the guys in the pic below.

Funny Insults About A Happy Meal
Ever had such conversation with your fat buddy? If not, you can always try. He’d be pissed.
  1. Your mom must have a really loud bark!
  2. Everyone who ever loved you was wrong.
  3. You only annoy me when you’re breathing.
  4. You’re so ugly you make blind kids cry.

Check out our selection of funny blogs about life

  1. You’re so fat your shadow casts a shadow.
  2. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  3. You act like your arrogance is a virtue.
  4. Nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?

Laugh at really funny waiter jokes we found for you

  1. You have enough fat to make another human.
  2. You don’t know me, you just wish you did.
  3. People like you are the reason I work out.
  4. I am not anti-social. I just don’t like you.
  5. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone
  6. Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
  7. It’s too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
  8. One more wrinkle and you’d pass for a prune.
  9. You’re so dumb, your dog teaches you tricks.
  10. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
  11. Your ambition outweighs your relevant skills.

Video With Some Funny Insults From The Movies

  1. Wow, you looked a lot hotter from a distance!
  2. You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
  3. You’re the reason they invented double doors!
  4. If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
  5. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
  6. Come again when you can’t stay quite so long.
  7. I may be fat,but you’re ugly,and I can diet!!!
  8. I’m not mean. You’re just a sissy.
  9. You look like a before picture.
  10. You grow on people, like a wart!
  11. I fart to make you smell better.
  12. Yeah you’re pretty, pretty stupid.
  13. Hold on, I’ll go find you a tampon.
  14. You’re stupid because you’re blonde.
  15. 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?
  16. Earth is full. Go home.
  17. You prefer three left turns to one right turn.
  18. You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  19. You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
  20. You conserve toilet paper by using both sides.
  21. A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
  22. Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
  23. You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.
  24. You’re as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  25. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  26. Please tell me you don’t home-school your kids.
  27. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
  28. People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
  29. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
  30. You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat.
  31. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
  32. You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
  33. Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?

Video With Some Funny Comebacks

  1. Your brain must be made out of rocking horse shit.
  2. You’re so stupid you tried to wake a sleeping bag.
  3. You’re so fat you need cheat codes to play Wii Fit.
  4. Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?
  5. You’re so fat, your double chin has a double chin.
  6. Your dad’s small finger is bigger than your whole personality. The author of this one is the website’s editor.
  7. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  8. I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
  9. You are so stupid, you’d trip over a cordless phone.
  10. Cancel my subscriptions … I’m tired of your issues.
  11. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  12. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
  13. Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin!
  14. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.
  15. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
  16. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!
  17. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
  18. You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
  19. I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
  20. Your head is so big you have to step into your shirts.

55 Really Funny Insult Jokes

  1. Sorry I can’t think of an insult stupid enough for you.
  2. You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
  3. You’re so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!
  4. Even if you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid!
  5. Mirrors don’t talk but lucky for you they don’t laugh.
  6. Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
  7. You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
  8. You’re so ugly, the only dates you get are on a calendar.
  9. I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
  10. You do realize makeup isn’t going to fix your stupidity?
  11. I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!
  12. You’re so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
  13. You get as much action as a nine button on a microwave.
  14. You’re so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.
  15. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called you first.
  16. The sound of your urine hitting the urinal sounds feminine
  17. You must think you’re strong, but you only smell strong.
  18. You’re so fat, you have to use a mattress as a maxi-pad.
  19. You know the drill! You leave a message….and I ignore it!
  20. We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough. That’s the editor’s favorite insult joke. He thinks he sprang from the apes further than anyone else.
  21. If your brain exploded, it wouldn’t even mess up your hair.
  22. Why don’t you go outside any play, hide and go f**k yourself
  23. What are you doing here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  24. If a crackhead saw you, he’d think he needs to go on a diet.
  25. So you’ve changed your mind, does this one work any better?
  26. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  27. Looks aren’t everything; in your case, they aren’t anything.
  28. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re invulnerable.
  29. When anorexics see you, they think they need to go on a diet.
  30. You have a very sympathetic face. It has everyone’s sympathy.
  31. If your brain was made of chocolate, it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
  32. You’re so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice.
  33. Don’t feel sad, don’t feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
  34. The best part of you is still running down your old mans leg.
  35. You shouldn’t play hide and seek, no one would look for you.
  36. Oh my God, look at you. Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
  37. Your face is so ugly, when you cry the tears run UP your face.
  38. I heard you went to a haunted house and they offered you a job.
  39. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
  40. You’re so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn’t come back.
  41. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
  42. Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.
  43. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
  44. I need you………..I want you…………To get out of my face
  45. You’re so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are KFC.
  46. Remember JESUS loves you but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.
  47. Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.
  48. When it comes to IQ, you lose some every time you use the bathroom.
  49. When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
  50. Forget the ugly stick! you must have been born in the ugly forest!
  51. I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
  52. You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.
  53. I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but that would be an improvement!
  54. I’ll never forget the first time we met, although I’ll keep trying.
  55. Don’t get insulted, but is your life devoted to spreading ignorance?

67 Best Comebacks For Your Brother

If you have an annoying brother, this list is for you.

  1. Oh dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
  2. Don’t piss me off today, I’m running out of places to hide bodies.
  3. What’s that ugly thing growing out of your neck… Oh… It’s your head…
  4. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
  5. The clothes you wear are so ugly even a scarecrow wouldn’t wear them.
  6. Hey- I am away from my computer but in the meantime, why don’t you go play in traffic?!
  7. You didn’t fall out of the stupid tree. You were dragged through dumb-ass forest.
  8. You’re so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ”taxi”.
  9. You must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
  10. It’s kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence.
  11. If you ran 1,000,000 miles to see the boy/girl of your dreams, what would you say when you got there?
  12. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
  13. At least when I do a handstand my stomach doesn’t hit me in the face.
  14. If you didn’t have feet you wouldn’t wear shoes…..then why do you wear a bra??!
  15. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  16. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
  17. Let’s see, I’ve walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends…Nope, this list doesn’t say that I’m required to talk to you.
  18. FOR THE LAST TIME! Your mother left here at 9 this morning… Leave me alone!
  19. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
  20. The Village just called. They said they were missing their town idiot, I couldn’t really understand them, but I think they were saying the name was yours…
  21. If I had a dollar for every brain you didn’t have, I’d have one dollar.
  22. I wish you no harm, but it would have been much better if you had never lived.
  23. You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back!
  24. I have always wondered why people bang their heads against brick walls….. then I met you. Don’t bother leaving a message.
  25. If I could be one person for a day, it sure as hell wouldn’t be you.
  26. Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what the hell happen to you?
  27. I really don’t like you but if you really must leave a message, I’ll be nice and at least pretend to care.
  28. Hey, here’s a hint. If i don’t answer you the first 25 times, what makes you think the next 25 will work?
  29. You must have a very low opinion of people if you think they are your equals.
  30. God made mountains, god made trees, god made you but we all make mistakes.
  31. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  32. You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
  33. Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
  34. You’re not exactly bad looking. There’s just one little problem between your ears – your face!
  35. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get back to you…
  36. Don’t let your mind wander. It’s way to small to be outside by itself!
  37. Until you called me I couldn’t remember the last time I wanted somebody’s fingers to break so badly.
  38. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the ‘impression’ that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
  39. Looks like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  40. Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
  41. Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, I don’t wanna be mean, but you need Listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole frigging bottle.
  42. My Mom said never talk to strangers and well, since you’re really strange…. I guess that means I can’t talk to you!
  43. Hmm…I don’t know what your problem is…but I’m going to bet it’s really hard to pronounce…
  44. If my dog had your face, I would shave his butt and make him walk backwards.
  45. If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
  46. I’ve come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.
  47. You’re so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!
  48. Your ears are so big when you stand on a mountain they look like trophy handles.
  49. There are more calories in your stomach than in the local supermarket!
  50. Just wait till you can’t fit your hand in the Pringles tubes, then where will you get your daily nutrition from?
  51. There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.
  52. You have your whole life to be a jerk….so why don’t you take a day off so.. leave me a message for when I get back!!!!
  53. What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his butt back?
  54. Your room is so dirty even bums refuse to live there. That’s the comeback for your brother from Humoropedia’s editor. He came up with it and he thinks it’s the most insulting one.
  55. Why are you bothering me? I have my away message on cause I don’t want to listen to you and your stupid nonsense.
  56. You’re so ugly, they call you the exterminator, because you kill bugs on sight.
  57. I’m not here right now so cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!
  58. I’m sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.
  59. Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.
  60. Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
  61. You’re so dumb no one believes you’re my brother. The website’s editor came up with this one.
  62. How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up? I’m away live with it.
  63. You’re so ugly, when you got robbed, the robbers made you wear their masks.
  64. A pretty girl can kiss a guy* a bird can kiss a butterfly* the rising sun can kiss the grass* but you my friend!! yes you!! YOU CAN KISS MY ASS*
  65. Right now I’m sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
  66. You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you quickly pick yourself up and carry on as if nothing happened.
  67. Oh, I’m sorry, how many times did your parents drop you when you were a baby?
Funny Insults About A Nasty Look
Will you give us a nasty look or share our stuff with a smile?


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Related Links

  1. Thought Catalog
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