25 Funny Harry Potter Jokes

Funny Harry Potter Jokes About Lord Voldemort

Laugh at 25 really funny Harry Potter jokes. We did our best to bring you only the best ones.

1 Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

2 What’s the most unrealistic thing in Harry Potter books? A ginger with two friends.

3 On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About nine and three quarters.

4 What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell? Lucky.
What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Sorry, Hufflepuff is the new blonde.

5 Harry Potter Jokes About Being Stranded In The Desert

A Hufflepuff, a Gryffindor, and a Ravenclaw get stranded in the desert. They stumble upon a lamp and a genie pops out and says he will grant them each one wish. The Gryffindor said, “I wish I was back at Hogwarts,” and poof she was gone. The Ravenclaw says, “I wish I was back home with my family,” and poof she disappears too. The Hufflepuff says, “Aww man, I wish my friends were still here.

6 Three Magical Creatures Trying To Get Into A Bar

So a Hag, an Ogre, and a Troll want to go into a bar. But the bar sign says that no Hags, Ogres or Trolls are allowed.

So they try to plan on getting in. First the Troll says “I know I’ll be demanding, Then I will surely be allowed to stay!” so he goes in and says “Barkeep I demand a table!” The barkeep yells “Aaah Troll!” and runs away.

Next the Ogre says “I know I’ll get him to pity me, he will feel bad and surely he will let me stay!” So the Ogre walks in and says “Ohhh boy I was banished from me home and have no where to go, would you mind gettin me a dring barkeep?” The barkeep yet again yells “Ahhh Ogre!” and runs away.

Finally the Hag says “Just watch you bufoons I’ll get in”. So she walks in and says “Barkeep, may I have a table?” The barkeep says “Sure thing Dolores, what would you like?”

7 Wormtail: “Master, can you really rise again?”
Voldemort: “Certainly, but you may need to give me a hand…”

8 Voldemorts parents took the “i got your nose” game a bit seriously.

9 What did Voldemort tell Wormtail when they went bowling? Kill the spare.

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Harry Potter One Liners About Voldemort

10 The Weasley’s bank account. ZING!

11 Yo mamma’s so fat the sorting hat put her in all of the houses.

12 If you could choose between world peace and going to Hogwarts, which house would you want to be in?

13 How do the Malfoys enter a building? They Slytherin.

14 Hufflepuff Joke By A Blind Wizard

A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool and sits down. He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”

The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you, you are speaking to a Hufflepuff, the man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?”

The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No, I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times.”

15 You don’t get my Harry Potter jokes? There must be some thing RON with you.

16 How can you tell which Harry Potter movie you are watching? By the size of Hermione Granger’s breasts.

17 How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the bulb. One to rotate the room.

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18 How many Muggles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. It is the only thing they are good for.

19 How many Purebloods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What’s a lightbulb?

20 How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1 – he holds it and the world revolves around him.

21 Lupin’s Werewolf Confession To Harry Potter

One day Lupin decides to come clean with Harry. He sits him down and tells him ‘Harry, I’m a werewolf’. Harry jumps up and starts shouting ‘WHAT!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?’ Lupin sighs, hangs his head and mumbles ‘Ah yes, that too’

22 So, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I guess that’s when the books started getting Dead Sirius.

23 Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? Because it was making him Moody.

24 What do you call a movie about Daniel Radcliffe getting high? Harry Pothead.

25 Why does Voldemort only use Twitter and not Facebook? Because he only has followers, not friends.

60 Great Ways To Annoy And Harass Lord Voldemort

1 Call him “Tommy-boy”.

2 Buy him a stress ball.

3 Tell him Lucius did it.

4 Be Harry Potter. Be Alive.

5 Cuddle him at random moments.

6 Ask him when he last took a bath.

7 Be offended by everything he says.

8 Tell him what Snape’s really up to.

9 Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.

10 Accidentally” schedule him a haircut.

11 Tell him that noses are back in style.

12 Call him The-Guy-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live.

13 Encourage him to “think happy thoughts”!

14 Remind him that he isn’t even really alive.

15 Tell people “he’s really just a big softie”.

16 Ask him why he doesn’t have such a cool scar.

17 Ask him where he gets his garlic scented soap.

18 Buy him eye drops for “that dreadful redness”.

19 Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

20 If you’re feeling gutsy, call him “Voldie-poo”.

21 Trade in his black robes for bunny feet pajamas.

22 “Did you ever even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?”

23 Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

24 Tell him you know this great therapist in London….

25 Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

26 Call him “Champ” or “Tiger”, refer to yourself as “Coach”.

27 Play “knock and run” at his bedchamber door late at night.

28 When he gives you an order, stare blankly at him and drool.

29 Whack him in the arm and say “mosquito” – every few minutes.

30 Sign him up for yoga class. Insist it is to “cleanse his soul”.

31 Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

32 Keep a “good-behavior chart”. Award points and give out gold stars.

33 Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

34 Throw him a Carebears-themed birthday party. Bake him a scar-shaped cake.

35 Begin any question you ask him with “Riddle me this!” Emphasize on Riddle.

36 Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again

37 Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

38 Taunt him about his middle name. “Marvolo? What’s that, a washing detergent?”

39 Hide his wand. Make him play the “hot and cold” game in order to get it back.

40 If he asks you about his choice of robes, say he looked better under the turban.

41 Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

42 Ask him why the Dark Mark couldn’t look like something more “sociably acceptable”.

43 In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

44 Imperio his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of “All Things Bright And Beautiful”.

45 Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.

46 Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic “My sir, you look particularly menacing today.”

47 On the next Valentine’s Day, decorate his lair. Make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.

48 Ask him why he’s afraid of an old man who looks like Santa Claus and why he can’t fight babies.

49 Politely exclaim now and again that you don’t know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.

50 When he tries to impress you with his immense powers, say “Awwwww, lookit, Voldie’s got a twiggle!”

51 Ask him if he’s sure the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn’t getting a bit old?

52 Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

53 Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. poof there poof gone poof there…

54 Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of “that sweet, innocent, cute little boy”.

55 Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

56 Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like “You’re the boss, boss” or “It’s your funeral.”

57 Tell him his plastic surgeon did a terrible job with the “red-eyed snake look,” and that he should’ve had the self confidence to age gracefully.

58 When he’s done something particularly nasty – cross your arms, waggle a finger and say “Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?”

59 If you ever need to say “Like taking candy from a baby”, be sure to add: ‘”Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.” Stare pointedly at him.

60 Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry’s victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

Harry Potter Jokes About Disgusting Fart
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