93 Funny One Liner Jokes So Good You’ll Laugh Till You Cry
Laugh all your worries away with these funny one liner jokes. Then vote for your favorite one at the page end.
These clever one liners on life are perfect for any occasion. You can even use these one liners for Tinder or any other dating app. By the way, this page has a section with flirty one liners specifically for Tinder. So read this page until the end, memorize a few one liners, and maybe you’ll get a date.
If you don’t intend to use them for dating, you can tell them at a party to make new friends. These one liners cover all possible comedy styles. So you’ll sure find a perfect one for any party.
Please remember to share this page. Your friends would be amused.
Table Of Contents
11 Extremely Funny One Liner Jokes
- “Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” Russell Howard
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” Tommy Cooper
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx
- “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” Unknown
- “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” Unknown
- “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain
- Any married person should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
- My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling
- “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Woody Allen
- “Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.” Unknown
- “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Unknown
If you’ve enjoyed these extremely funny one liner jokes, you’ll also enjoy these really funny comebacks, insults, and burns. You’ll also definitely enjoy a video below with hilarious one liners.
11 Clever One Liners
- “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
- “I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.”
- “Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”
- “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
- “You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.”
- “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill
- The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
- “At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
- True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal. If you like this clever one liner about love, you’ll also like these 77 Best Funny Love Quotes.
11 Quick One Liner Jokes
- Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
- Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
- I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
- I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
- “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine
- “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not.” Milton Jones
- I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
- Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
- A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
- “A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” Peter Kay. If you like this quick one liner joke by Peter Kay, please share it now.
11 Clean One Liner Jokes
- “Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.”
- “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
- “Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.”
- “A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.”
- “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
- “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
- “I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.”
- “When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.”
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.”
- “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?”
- “I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.'”
If you like these clean one liner jokes, you’ll also like these 45 Really Funny Clean Jokes And Puns.
11 Best Comedian One Liners
The world’s best comedians have said these sickest one liners. Some of them are sarcastic. Some aren’t. But all of them are awesome. So you’ll love ’em.
- “Room service? Send up a larger room.” Groucho Marx
- “My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them.” Mitch Hedberg
- My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person so I can get a better girlfriend.” Anthony Jeselnik
- “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” Groucho Marx
- “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” George Carlin
- “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.” Rodney Dangerfield
- “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” Jay Leno
- “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” Rodney Dangerfield
- “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” Conan O’Brien
- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.” George Carlin
- “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” Rodney Dangerfield
11 Best One Liner Jokes From Reddit
- I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
- Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
- I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
- What if Soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish.
- Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
- My wife accused me of being immature so I told her to get out of my fort.
- Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought: “That sounds like a fair trade”.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
If you’ve enjoyed these best one liner jokes, please share this page to Pinterest now. Your friends would be amused.
7 Funny One Liners On Life
- My job is secure. No one else wants it.
- When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people. Jarod Kintz
- “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.” Lemony Snicket
- “Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.”
- I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick. Jarod Kintz
If you’ve enjoyed these funny one liners on life, you’ll also enjoy these 33 Really Funny Quotes And Sayings On Life.
7 Flirty One Liners For Tinder
- I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.
- Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
- My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
- What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
- Are you Google? Because I’ve just found what I’ve been searching for.
- Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you everyone else disappears.
- I’m definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access?
For more flirty, romantic one liners like the ones you’ve just read, have a look at 60 Best Tinder Pick Up Lines.
9 Brilliant One Liner Quotes
- Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
- If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
- The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
- I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
- Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
- Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favor.
- Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
- They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
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