37 Best Anthony Jeselnik Jokes & Quotes That Will Make You LOL
LOL at 37 best Anthony Jeselnik jokes, quotes, and one liners. If you like this American comedian, this page is for you.
This page showcases his dark comedy style that often takes an amoral turn. As such, it has plenty of his ironic misdirection jokes and biting, yet funny insults. So his brash stage persona that crosses the line is on full display here.
While reading this page, please keep in mind that many of his jokes are outright offensive. Many people may even find them outright unacceptable. And he knows that. So he said the following:
“I like the kind of villain that I am,” he said about his persona. “But I’d like to find a way — this is going to sound corny, I’ll probably regret it — to use it to be helpful,” he said.
“I think I can make a difference,” he added with a startling earnestness, “because of what I have done and the fear I can instill. I can do positive things with this. I hope I can do that in the future.”
Humoropedia.com strives to be the world’s most comprehensive collection of jokes. So we bring these jokes to you, neither condemning nor condoning Jeselnik’s frequently sociopathic stage persona, but rather letting you judge it yourself.
Either way, if you agree after enjoying this page that it represents the best of Anthony Jeselnik, please share it.
Table Of Contents
- 11 Best Anthony Jeselnik One Liners
- 11 Best Anthony Jeselnik Jokes
- 10 Holocaust Denier Joke
- 11 Washing A Baby Joke
- The Best Of Anthony Jeselnik’s Comedy In One Video
- 8 Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes
- 5 Best Thoughts And Prayers Quotes
- 2 Brand Loyalty Quote
- 3 Dad Quote
- 4 Drinking Quote
- 5 Grandmother Quote
- Interesting Anthony Jeselnik Interview
- Fire In The Maternity Ward Netflix Stand-Up Comedy Trailer
11 Best Anthony Jeselnik One Liners
- My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person – so I can get a better girlfriend.
- I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.
- My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.
- I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
- It’s impossible for me to hear the words “quadruple murder suicide” without thinking of my grandparents.
- I think about my girlfriend’s abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.
- My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
- I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
- Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
- My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We’re not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
- I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
11 Best Anthony Jeselnik Jokes
- Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
- I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
- Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.
- My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
- Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.
- My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time.
- My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she committed suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.
- I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
- My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. “Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them.” It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said: “Do you see that, honey?… Why can’t you be that skinny?”
10 Holocaust Denier Joke
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once.
11 Washing A Baby Joke
You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
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The Best Of Anthony Jeselnik’s Comedy In One Video
8 Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes
- I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You’d just be ripping them off.
- Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
- I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’
- I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn’t upset people, really.
- On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
- I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I’m an outspoken atheist now. People say, ‘Oh, it’s a negative thing to be an atheist.’ I don’t agree. I think it’s more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife.
- About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?’
- When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
5 Best Thoughts And Prayers Quotes
1 Last year was a sad year for my family. Last year, my mom should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday. But because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions, we all forgot. It was sad.
2 Brand Loyalty Quote
Man, my parents were strict. Mom and dad were strict. My mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. An entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty.
3 Dad Quote
My dad was a hard-ass. One of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things. You know? You don’t take classes. You don’t read the instructions. You just do it and figure it out. Like, when I was a kid, I never got to take swimming lessons. No, my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself CPR.
4 Drinking Quote
I assume everyone is drinking tonight? – Yeah! – Yeah! Whoo! That’s good. I love to drink. Love it. Do it all the time, every day, always have. I don’t know where it comes from either. Even my parents tell me, when I was just a little baby, I used to climb out of my crib every morning, and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet… to try to spend time with them.
If you want more drinking quotes, please check out 35 Best Funny Drinking Toasts For Friends.
5 Grandmother Quote
My grandmother died about a year ago. And I didn’t think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away. But I was wrong. It was fine. The hard part, the upsetting part… was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted. She wanted to die in the best way possible, like uh… You, radio winner.
What’s the best way you can die? This is not a trick question. – In your sleep? – Yes, thank you. Thank you, everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep. Not me. I want to be alert, awake, surrounded by friends, in a house fire. But my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. We thought that’s how she went. We were all excited for her.
But then we did an autopsy. Found out she actually died horribly, in the worst way possible. During an autopsy. It was fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. She always said her grandkids didn’t pay enough attention to her and… and she was right. She was dead on.