33 Funny Russian Jokes And Puns
Laugh your worries away with these 33 funny Russian jokes and puns. They’re the best ones because I did my best to bring you only the best ones.
Not only is this collection hilarious, but it’s also comprehensive. It covers every aspect of Russian society. So it has some true yet funny Russian political jokes. Most of them are about Soviet leaders. Some are about Vladimir Putin. And yet other ones are about the political climate of the USSR.
So this page has jokes from different periods of Russia’s history. As a matter of fact, one of the jokes is more than one hundred years old and is older than the Soviet Union itself.
But this page is even better than just hilarious and comprehensive. It’s also unique. On this page, you’ll find jokes not found anywhere else in the English Internet. That’s so because I’ve translated some of the jokes from Russian language, doing my best to preserve their original humor.
So do explore these gems of Russian humor and enjoy it until the very end. After all, some hilarious Russian memes are at the bottom of this page.
Remember to vote for your favorite one at the end and share it. Your friends would be amused.
Table Of Contents
- 5 Translated Russian Jokes
- 11 Best Russian Puns List
- 7 Best Vladimir Putin Jokes And One Liners
- Best Modern Day Russia Jokes And Anecdotes
- Joke About Russian Tourists
- Thread On The Floor
- Student Hall Sign
- Russian Hell And American Hell
- The Winner Of The Contest
- Rzhevsky And Three Sisters
- 2 Best Stierlitz Jokes
- Russian Political Jokes
- Joke From Russian Empire
- Leonid Brezhnev At The Olympics
- Brezhnev And Thatcher
- Nikita Khrushchev At The Pig Farm
- Stalin Joke
- Two Rabbits During The Stalinist Terror
- KGB And Communism
- One Of The Best Soviet Union Jokes
- Gulag (Soviet Union’s Labor Camp) Conditions
- Most Progressive Country
- Marxist Fairy Tale
- KGB Joke
- Related Jokes You May Enjoy
- Soviet Jokes By US President Ronald Reagan
- 7 Funny Russian Memes
- What is your favorite Russian joke?
5 Translated Russian Jokes
These are the jokes I’ve translated from Russian into English. I have an excellent understanding of both languages, so you can be sure they’re as close to their original versions as they can possibly be.
- The laziness of an ordinary Russian isn’t a sin but the necessary means of neutralizing the activity of idiots who lead him.
- I discovered an unexpected joy of badminton. It turns out that it’s very convenient to scratch your back with a racket.
- Robber at the checkout in the store: “Put all the money in a bag.”
Cashier: “The bag costs 5 rubles.”
Robber: “I have my own bag.”
- Popular omen: the more expensive the table for the New Year, the poorer January will be.
- I got an inflatable bed. I looked at the instructions. There, in 15 languages, it’s written that it can’t be used for swimming. In Russian, it’s written: “While swimming, hold on to the straps.”
If you think that some of these are funny, you’ll most likely enjoy a video below with more Russian jokes.
11 Best Russian Puns List
- Why did Edward miss his flight out of Russia? Because he was Snowden.
- I had trouble getting into my vacation home in Russia. I had to call a locksmith because I lost my Siberian Housekey.
- Did you hear Apple is releasing a self-driving vehicle exclusively in Russia? It’s called the I-van.
- I don’t like Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
- What do you call it when there is no Internet in Russia? Internyet.
- Why was Russia late to the UN meeting? Stalin, as always.
- It seems I can’t find the border between Russia and Alaska using my compass. I couldn’t get my Bering Strait.
- What’s Russia’s favorite streaming platform? Nyetflix.
- When a coin goes from Russia to the USA seeking asylum, it’s metal defecting.
- What do they call a bobby pin in Russia? Boris pin.
- What do kids in Russia say as they clean their teeth? Brussia brussia brussia brussia.
If you like these Russian puns, you’ll also like this list of clean jokes and puns.
7 Best Vladimir Putin Jokes And One Liners
You obviously know the master of Kremlin and Russian president Vladimir Putin. Or if you don’t know him, you’re probably an alien from another universe, so I should run away from you before you have eaten me.
- Trump has fired all his intelligence chiefs. He will be getting all information from its source: Putin.
- Why did the Russian official commit suicide? He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.
- Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans. Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
- Vladimir Putin’s approval rate is 80%. The other 20% are missing.
- Say what you want about Vladimir Putin. But not many people can run two countries at once.
- Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician. He makes his opponents disappear.
- Trump has asked Putin to prove that he never helps Trump.
If you think these Putin jokes and one liners are funny, you’ll enjoy these hilarious Donald Trump jokes.
Best Modern Day Russia Jokes And Anecdotes
These are jokes and anecdotes from modern day Russia. By the way, Russians usually tell each other anecdotes, not jokes. Even though the word “anecdotes” (“anekdoty” in Russian) is closer to English word “anecdotes”, it’s often used among Russians to refer to short form jokes, not just long amusing stories. Regardless, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this brilliant Russian humor below. Please share it if you enjoy it.
Joke About Russian Tourists
British scientists conducted a 2-week experiment in which they behaved like Russian tourists. As a result, they managed to find out that alcohol is harmful only for the first three days. In the next week, alcohol becomes useful, and later – necessary.
Thread On The Floor
Russian sociologists found that 85% of men, picking up a thread that the vacuum cleaner could not remove from the carpet, again throw it on the floor. This is only done to give the device a second chance.
Student Hall Sign
A sign in a student dining hall: “Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already been poisoned.”
Russian Hell And American Hell
A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell.
The Devil summons them and says: “Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian Hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you’ll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it’s 2 buckets.”
The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one.
In a week or so they meet.
The Russian asks: “So, what’s it like out there?”
“Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?”
“Ah, it feels just like home – either the shit doesn’t get delivered or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”
The Winner Of The Contest
A Frenchman, a Japanese, and a Russian are captured by an alien. He locks them in cells and demands that they amaze him using two steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed.
A week later, the Frenchman demonstrates a juggling trick with the balls. The Japanese has created a rock garden. However, the Russian is declared the winner: he broke one ball and lost another one.
Rzhevsky And Three Sisters
Before I tell you the joke itself, I’m gonna tell you some background information. Poruchik (First Lieutenant) Dmitry Rzhevsky is a straightforward army officer and a folklore hero who keeps on saying vulgarities. So there are many Russian jokes in which he’s the protagonist. One of them is below.
“Chaps, I’m so tired of the same old card games. Why don’t we go to the theater instead? They’re putting on ‘Three Sisters’.”
Lieutenant Rzhevsky: “That’s going to work out brilliantly. There are three of us, too.”
2 Best Stierlitz Jokes
Once again, before I tell you the jokes, I’m gonna give you some background information.
Stierlitz is a fictional character from popular Russian book series. That character became especially famous after the book was adapted into the television series Seventeen Moments of Spring. The book and TV series have become very popular in Russia. So Stierlitz has become a stereotypical Soviet spy, still well-known in modern day Russia. Hence, many jokes were made about him.
- Stierlitz opens a door and the lights go on. Stierlitz closes the door and the lights go out. Then he opens the door again; the light goes back on. Stierlitz closes the door; the light goes out again. Stierlitz deduces: “It’s a refrigerator”.
- Stierlitz approaches Berlin, which is veiled in smoke from widespread fires. So Stierlitz thinks with slight irritation: “Must have forgotten to turn off my iron”.
Russian Political Jokes
Politicians of any country are for the most part dumb and dumber. Russian politicians are no exception. So there are many jokes about Russian politicians, their eccentricities, and their stupidities.
Many Russian political jokes in this section are about Soviet leaders. So below you’ll find hilarious jokes about Leonid Brezhnev, Nikita Khrushchev, and Joseph Stalin. Regardless of whether they were great or not, these politicians are definitely worth mocking.
But you’ll find more than just Soviet jokes below. You’ll find other political jokes as well. Some of them are Armenian Radio jokes. Radio Yerevan (also called “Armenian Radio”) jokes are jokes from a fictitious radio station in the format, “ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want”.
So keep on reading and laugh out loud like a maniac. And regardless of whether you’re a maniac or not, please share this page if you end up enjoying these jokes.
Joke From Russian Empire
Before Russia was a communist country, it was a monarchy, ruled by an emperor, also called “tsar”. So the joke below is more than one hundred years old. That’s something worth sharing with your friends.
A man was reported to have said: “Nikolay is a moron.” So he was arrested by a policeman.
“No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor but another Nikolay.”
“Don’t try to trick me. If you say ‘moron’, you’re obviously referring to our tsar.”
Leonid Brezhnev At The Olympics
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. “O!” — applause. “O!” — an ovation. “O!!!” — the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers: “Leonid Ilyich, those are the Olympic logo rings, you don’t need to read all of them.”
Brezhnev And Thatcher
During Brezhnev’s visit to England, Prime Minister Thatcher asked the guest: “What’s your attitude toward Churchill?”
“Who’s Churchill?” Brezhnev replied.
Back in the embassy, the Soviet envoy said: “Congratulations, comrade Brezhnev, you’ve put Thatcher in her place. She won’t ask stupid questions anymore.”
“And who’s Thatcher?” Brezhnev asked in response.
Nikita Khrushchev At The Pig Farm
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. “Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,” “Comrade Khrushchev and pigs,” and “Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev” are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: “Third from left – comrade Khrushchev.”
Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie. He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says: “Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a mustache just like mine. Shoot him.”
Everyone is speechless until someone sheepishly suggests: “Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his mustache?”
Stalin replies: “Good idea. First shave, then shoot.”
And here’s another one in the same vein. So please share Stalin joke below to Pinterest.
Two Rabbits During The Stalinist Terror
Two rabbits on a road during the Stalinist terror of 1937.
First rabbit: “Where are you going in such a hurry?”
Second rabbit: “Haven’t you heard? There’s a rumor going around that all camels are to be castrated.”
First rabbit: “You’re not a camel.”
Second rabbit: “After they catch you and castrate you, try proving you’re not a camel.”
KGB And Communism
“Will there be KGB in communism?”
“As you know, under communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.”
One Of The Best Soviet Union Jokes
A drunk was taking a walk in the zoo. Suddenly, he saw a donkey.
He elbowed his way up to the enclosure, pulled the donkey’s face up close to his own, kissed it, and began to weep, saying: “You poor bunny rabbit, what have the communists done to you?”
Gulag (Soviet Union’s Labor Camp) Conditions
Armenian Radio was asked: “Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?” Armenian Radio answered: “It’s true. Five years ago, a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn’t returned yet; we are told that he liked it there.”
Most Progressive Country
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?” The answer was: “Of course, life was already better yesterday than it’s going to be tomorrow.”
Marxist Fairy Tale
Radio Yerevan was asked: “What’s the difference between a capitalist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?”
The answer was: “A capitalist fairy tale begins: ‘Once upon a time, there was….’. A Marxist fairy tale begins: ‘Some day, there will be….’.”
An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.
“Don’t get me wrong” says the Englishman, “winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one’s feet up, and having a nice cup of tea”.
“You Englishman” snorts the Frenchman, “you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on a holiday without your wife and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair with before returning home back to work”.
“You’re both wrong” scoffs the Russian. “The greatest pleasure in life is when you’re sleeping at home and the KGB breaks your door down at 3 AM, bursts into your room, and says: ‘Ivan Ivanovitch, you’re under arrest’ and you reply ‘Sorry comrade, Ivan Ivanovitch lives next door'”.
Related Jokes You May Enjoy
If you’ve enjoyed these jokes about Russia’s history, you’ll also enjoy these hilarious history jokes.
Soviet Jokes By US President Ronald Reagan
7 Funny Russian Memes
Below you’ll find some funny Russian memes. Please share the one you like the most to Pinterest.
Some people understand camping essentials in their own weird way, like the Russian guy below.
Some patriotic tanks are willing to go swimming for their motherland. Just look at the Russian tank below.
Some memes are much funnier when they’re reversed. Just look at the ones below and you’ll sure agree.
I hope you’ve enjoyed these memes with Russian reversal jokes. Please share them if you did. Then continue enjoying this page with some awesome Russian cat memes below.
If you have enjoyed these funny Russian jokes, please share this page with your friends now. Then please vote on your favorite joke below because your opinion matters. In case your favorite joke isn’t on the list below, your vote would add it to the list.