60 Best Rodney Dangerfield Quotes And Jokes You Need To Know

Best Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Check out this collection of Rodney Dangerfield quotes and jokes. We did our best to bring you only the best. You will sure find them funny, or we’re not Humoropedia.com.

Rodney Dangerfield Caddyshack Quotes

The quotes below are the ones Rodney Dangerfield said while playing the character of Al Czervik.

1 Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

2 [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ’em you’re Jewish, okay?

3 Al Czervik: You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

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4 Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

5 Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who’s wearing the same hat] Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.

Want more awesome quotes from this great comedy movie? Then check out 33 Best Caddyshack Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Best Rodney Dangerfield Wife Jokes

7 What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

8 I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

9 My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

10 My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.

11 I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield jokes about his time as a kid

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12 My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.

13 My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

14 Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said: “No, but I did get the license number”.

15 My wife’s not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, “all kids smell that way”.

16 It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired, then stays up and reads her book.

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17 It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

18 My wife made me join her bridge club. I jump next Tuesday.

19 My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Check out awesome collection of Funny Jokes About Marriage

20 During s** my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

21 I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

22 Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a **xy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

23 My wife only has s** with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

24 One night I came home, I figured I let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

25 I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! Check Out The Best Money Jokes Ever Said

26 I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

27 With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. Check Out Really Funny Waiter Jokes You Need To Know

Rodney Dangerfield No Respect Jokes

28 With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

29 I tell you, with my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.” He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Check Out Really Funny Doctor Jokes We Collected For You

30 When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could but he pulled through.”

31 When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

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32 What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

33 I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

34 When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

35 One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

36 I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

37 I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint, a Saint Bernard!

38 When my old man wanted s**, my mother would show him a picture of me.

39 My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

40 What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

41 I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

42 Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

43 I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

44 Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.

45 I’m not a s*** guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

46 My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

47 I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of s** so I showed them. They said it wasn’t enough.

48 Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

49 I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

50 I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

51 I tell you, I’m not a s*** guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

52 Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

53 Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

54 I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

55 I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There are so many places they can hide.”

56 I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

57 Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different. When I open the door the kids hand me candy.

58 My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

59 I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”

60 I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure s** offenders. I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Rodney Dangerfield quotes about the surgeon general
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Then please check out these really funny one liner jokes because they’re awesome. Or have a laugh with these 55 Best History Jokes Ever or these 15 Knock Knock Jokes.

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