Gambling Jokes: 19 Best
Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you know any gambling jokes as good, feel free to add them as comments.
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a really good lawyer.
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2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
The gambler from the last joke is like the guy from the following funny picture.
4) Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
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John Oliver’s Gambling Jokes
5) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
Funny Casino Jokes
Refrain from going to casino because you’d get exercise through walking. Instead do something completely pointless and read these funny casino jokes. Then please share them, bro.
6) Why did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? Someone told her to bring her own chips.
7) What does a Blackjack player eat for dinner? Whatever his comp card allows him to.
8) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
9) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
10) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
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11) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
12) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
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13) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
More Funny Gambling Jokes One Liners Below
14) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
15) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The whole thing collapsed.
Did you like this horse betting joke? Then please check out the best horse jokes ever published because laughter is good for you.
16) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
17) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
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Husband Comes Home After Gambling
18) I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where have you been?!” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 1
19) During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 2
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Check out our awesome collection of Walks Into A Bar Jokes
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