Gambling Jokes: 37 Best
Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, add them at the bottom of this page. Or if you don’t have any jokes of your own, please vote for your favorite one you’ll find here. Either way, you’ve come to the right place. This page has the best casino jokes you’ll ever find plus awesome bonus content you’ll definitely enjoy. In short, casinos, gambling, and betting have never been funnier than here on Humoropedia.com.
Table Of Contents
- The Editor’s Favorite Gambling Jokes
- 7 Casino Puns
- Hilarious Video
- 7 Gambling Addiction Jokes
- 5 Funny Gambling Jokes
- 5 Casino Jokes
- 7 Clean Gambling Jokes
- 3 Blackjack Puns
- Husband Comes Home After Gambling
- Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 1
- Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 2
- What's your favorite gambling joke?
The Editor’s Favorite Gambling Jokes
After coming back from Las Vegas, Jerry told Ben that the slot machines are easy to win big at. He said he went to Las Vegas in a $20,000 Nissan and came back in a $400,000 Lamborghini.
Ben thought: “I’m going to get in on that.” So he left for Vegas in his $30,000 Toyota. He came back in a $800,000 vehicle, a Greyhound bus.
7 Casino Puns
These are some of the best gambling puns you’ll ever read. I did my best to bring you only the best.
- Why aren’t there any casinos in Africa? Because there are too many cheetahs.
- I’m an accountant for Hallmark. They throw me out of casinos because I’m a “professional card counter”.
- Did you hear they arrested a T-Rex after he was hired at the casino? He turned out to be a small arms dealer.
- I played poker at a casino that was out of toilet paper. I had shitty hands the rest of the night.
- What’s it called when a couple of cows are playing poker in a penthouse casino? High steaks.
- A midget chef had to quit his job at a casino. He said the steaks were too high.
- What do you call an iguana who runs a casino? The lizard of odds.
If you like these casino puns, you’ll also like these hilarious Russian jokes and puns.
I’m sure you’re gonna enjoy this bonus content video because it’s awesome and hilarious.
7 Gambling Addiction Jokes
These gambling one liners below poke fun at the people who got addicted to gambling but can hardly see that. I’m sure you’ll like these one liners. Please share this page to your favorite social media platform if you like them. Thanks in advance.
- Why did the necromancer with a gambling addiction get kicked out of the slaughterhouse? He kept raising the steaks.
- I used to have a horrible gambling addiction, but I wager I’ll never gamble again.
- What does a gambling addict call heaven? Pair-a-dice.
- What do you call a cow gambling for his life? High steaks.
- What did the gambling addicts name their daughter? Betty.
- Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet because I lost my car in poker last night.
- Judge to carpenter: “You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?” The carpenter: “Making a bolt for the door, your honor.”
If you’ve enjoyed reading these gambling addiction jokes, you’ll also enjoy these funny one liner jokes.
5 Funny Gambling Jokes
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fu**ing good lawyer.
Check out Really Funny Lawyer Jokes
2) Chuck-E-Cheese because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
4) Poker is like s** – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it. If you like this gambling joke, you’ll also like these religious jokes.
5 Casino Jokes
Some people make gambling at the casino too intense. These jokes make fun of it. So I’m sure you’ll like these casino jokes because they’re awesome.
1) I did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
2) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
3) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
4) They say one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave. If you like this casino joke, please check out these really funny money jokes right now because you’ll like them too.
5) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
7 Clean Gambling Jokes
These betting jokes below are pretty good. Any gambler and even a non-gambler will definitely like them.
1) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes
2) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
Please share these clean gambling jokes with your friends right now.
3) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
4) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fu**ing thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published
5) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
6) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
7) Your best chance to get a straight flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
If you like the gambling one liners you’ve read this page, please continue reading this page because there’s more hilarious stuff below.
3 Blackjack Puns
If you like blackjack, you’re gonna like these puns. As a matter of fact, you’re gonna like these blackjack puns even if you don’t like this card game.
- I had to quit my job at the blackjack table. I just couldn’t deal with people anymore.
- What company never loses at blackjack? Forever 21.
- What did the ma**chist say to the blackjack dealer? Hit me.
Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fu** have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 1
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar – Part 2
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
Check out our awesome collection of Walks Into A Bar Jokes
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