‘Dolphins Are Smarter Than Congressmen,’ Study Finds


You may have wondered: ‘How dumb is US Congressman?’ Now you don’t have to wonder about it anymore. Researchers have answered it for you.

They found that an average US Congressman is ten times less intelligent than the dumbest dolphin. They said that this comes as no surprise. They said the only thing they are surprised about is that dolphins are only ten times less intelligent. They thought that dolphins would be a few thousand times more intelligent.

Researchers who conducted this study are the members of Harvard faculty. So when the Republicans heard of this study they threatened to cut Harvard’s funding. They explained it this way: “This study threatens our national security, because it makes us afraid that we might not be that smart.”

Let’s take politics to a backseat for a while though. We can always come back to Republicans’ reaction, and even more interestingly, Obama’s response. For now, let’s discuss the study’s exciting scientific method.

Researchers have used a device called “dolphinometer”. It measures the brain waves of dolphins to give out precise thoughts they are having. They used this device to determine dolphins’ responses to a series of questions. This was not a regular IQ Test though.

Questions that researchers were able to ask dolphins with the use of this device ranged from math to history and all the way to economics and computer programming. Surprisingly, the lowest score of the dumbest dolphin – the one considered mentally retarded by other dolphins – was ten times higher than the score of Congressman considered the smartest of all.

Now that you know the scientific method behind this study, why not explore its political repercussions?

Besides Republicans’ response we talked about above, Obama’s response is also noteworthy. He said that he wants to extend healthcare coverage to dolphins. Republicans replied: “That would lead to yet another border crisis, the one in which we would have two sick dolphins on the border, and no lobbyists to pay us for their treatment.”

Liberal media have ignored this development. A friend of mine working there said that this issue may have played into the hands of Republicans, because everyone already knows that Republican congressmen are a joke. He apparently forgot that everyone knows that Democratic Congressmen are a joke too.

How about yourself? What do you think? Should we elect dolphins to Congress? If so, would it help decrease the national deficit?


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