30 Funny Retard Jokes

The Most Retarded Retard Of All

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Retard Trying To Rob A Bank

A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. The videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.

Retard Looking For Color Televisions

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the clerk, “Do you sell color televisions?”
“Yes,” said the clerk. The man replied, “Then give me a green one.”

Retards In Retail

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

George Bush Speaking in Algeria

George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: “You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra…”

Retard Who Was Killed By His Own Gas

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn’t have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, “He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating “this deadly gas.” Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

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Retard Jokes Definitions

1. Retard is a polite euphemism for George W. Bush. 

George W Bush holding funny book for retards


2.  Retard is a person who believes every TV commercial he sees.

funny picture of cat realizing its owners stupidity


3. Retard is a woman who does not wash her vagina because she thinks it would attract sexy men. retarded yet funny answer of extremely stupid woman


4. Retard is a guy who has cut off his balls because he did not want to wash them. Funny Picture that makes fun of David Cameron The Retard


5. Retard is that friend of yours who calls you at 3am and asks if you are sleeping.annoying-retarded-friend


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3 Retarded Wives

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn’t have a garage door.”
The second guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn’t have any earphones.”
The third guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn’t even have a d**k.”

Q/A About Retards

Q: Why was it so easy for Dick Cheney to manipulate George Bush?
A: Both are retards. But George Bush is even more retarded.

Q: How do you get rid of a retard?
A: Give him a knife and ask “Who’s special?”

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

Funny Retard Dialogue

TENANT: “I saw the retard who moved in with your sister.”
LANDLORD: “That retard is worth five million dollars.”
TENANT: “He’s a retard worth five million bucks then.”
LANDLORD: “Some retards get rich.”

Random Retard Jokes

My  brother is a professional retard. He forgot to turn off the heater in my apartment. I came back in two months’ time and wondered why the summer feels so hot in my apartment.

My best friend’s sister is even more retarded than my brother. She, however, got very angry when I called her “a retard”. She said that it is “offensive”. I replied: “I would call you stupid, but you are way too retarded to be stupid.”< A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute." The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!" The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..." The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant." Man was in such a hurry that he left home without drinking his morning cup of coffee. He was saving money, so he did not go to Starbucks. But seeing a homeless man leave a plastic cup that said "Starbucks", he picked it up and took a sip. He could not help wondering why it had such a urine-like taste. The teacher said to his student: "That answer would be too dumb even for a son of George W. Bush." The student replied: "But I'm the son of George W. Bush." The teacher replied: "Then you're way too smart."

Featured Retard Video


Definitions of “Retard” at Urban Dictionary
The top one reminds you of something important to remember.

This Funny Retard Gallery Can Make You Retarded

Funny Retard Videos







Funniest Retard Pictures from Imgur



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