30 Funniest One Liner Jokes

Funniest One Liner Jokes

Check out these 15 Funniest One Liner Jokes we have found for you. They are the best Internet has to offer.

1. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

2. Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

3. Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you

4. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”

5. I like to always carry two sacks around. That way, if someone asks me to lend them a hand, I can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

6. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: “I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

7. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.

8. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.

9. I have a parrot and it talks. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.

10. Slept like a log last night… Woke up in the fireplace.

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11. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”.

12. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, “What period is this from?”

13. My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

14. I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

15. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

16. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean there’s one person who enjoys it?

17. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

18. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

19. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

20. Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the about the author section.

21. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

22. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

23. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

24. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

25. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

27. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

28. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

29. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

30. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Roman Marshanski
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