Funny Animal Pictures and Jokes
Funny Animal Q/A
Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A: Because he was pissed off!
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.
Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What’s the difference between cats and dogs? A: Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: “Put it on my bill.”
Q: Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station!
Q: What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? A: It gets toad away.
Q: How did a cat take the first prize at the bird show? A: By reaching into the cage.
Q: How do you catch a gorilla? A: Hide in a tree and pretend you are banana.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: “How do you breathe through something so small?”
Animal Jokes Definitions
- Animal is your drunk brother eating your dog’s food.
- Animal is your best friend’s sister who looks like a chimpanzee and who sexually harasses you.
- Animal is that warm and lovely creature who shits on your carpet.
Featured Funny Video -Those Funniest Animals Parrots
Funny Cat Jokes
What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, “Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, “Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God.”
While a little boy was away at school, his cat died. Worried about how he would take the news, his mother tried to console him and said: “Don’t worry, Tommy. Captain Thunder is in heaven with God now.” The boy replied: “What would God do with a dead cat?”
A man hated his wife’s cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks away from home and dumping it. But as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So he drove the cat forty blocks away and dumped it. But when he arrived back home, the cat was sitting at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat sixty miles into the country and left it in the middle of a deep forest. Six hours later, his wife got a phone call at home. “Sweetheart,” said the husband. “Is the cat there?” “Yes,” said the wife. “Why?” “Just put him on the line. I need directions.”
Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? – Because you stop looking after you find it.
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked the guide, “that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” “That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight”.
A man was being driven mad by his neighbor’s cat. It kept him awake at night, left a mess on his driveway, and dug up his plants. Fed up with all of this, he decided to kill the cat. So the next day, he killed it, cooked it, and had it for dinner. But that evening he suffered such bad indigestion that he had to call his doctor. The doctor said: “It’s nothing serious. I think you’ve just eaten something that has upset you.”
A mother told her little boy: “Stop pulling the cat’s tail!” “I’m’ not,” he protested. “I’m just holding it. The cat’s doing the pulling.”
Stupid Question about Zebra
Want more funniness like this? Find it at Stupid Questions
An old lady’s 2 cats died within a few weeks of each other. Unable to bear the thought of being away from her beloved pets, she took them to a taxidermist, so she could have them on display in her living room. “These are my two cats,” said the old lady. “They used to get on so well together.” “That’s nice. I’m glad to hear that,” said the taxidermist. “But tell me, do you want them mounted?” “No,” replied the old lady. “Just holding hands.”
Random Animal Jokes
A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, “Please let me go! I’ll grant you any wish you desire.” The man says, “Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground.” The crocodile then bites his legs off.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!” The panda yells back, “Hey man, I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, “A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God,” and for it to stop you say, “Amen.” So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. “Whew,” said the man, “thank God!”
A zookeeper needed some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to write a letter. But unfortunately the didn’t know the plural of “mongoose” and was too lazy to either Google it or look it up in a dictionary. So he started the letter without consulting either: “To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.” But that didn’t sound right, so he tried again: “To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses.” But that didn’t sound right to him either. Then he got an idea: “To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you’re at it, send me another one.”
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?” The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhea!”
A little girl was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. “What are you doing?” he asked her. “My goldfish died and I’ve just buried him.” replied the little girl. “This hole is way too big for a goldfish.” said the neighbor. The little girl replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” “No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?” says the patron. “Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole” says the bartender. “Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he’s been driving me nuts,” says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender. “Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!”
Funny Parrot & Bird Jokes
A priest new to the area visited an old lady who owned a pet parrot. He noticed that the bird had a ribbon tied to each leg. “What are the ribbons for?” he asked. The old lady answered: “If I pull the left ribbon, he sings ‘All My Tomorrows’. If I pull the right ribbon, he sings ‘Angel Eyes’.” “And what happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?” asked the priest. “I fall off the bloody perch!” answered the parrot.
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, “If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.” The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, “I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!”
Our Favorite Parrot Joke
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat.” “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”
A young man went to the pet shot and saw a parrot tap dancing on an overturned flower pot. Impressed, he offered 40 dollars for this parrot and took it home. The next day he went back to the shop and complained: “That parrot has been sitting on my kitchen table for hours and hasn’t danced at all. I want my money back.” The shop owner replied: “Did you remember to light the candle under the flower pot?”
A police drugs raid recovered well over 800 pounds of marijuana. To dispose of it, the authorities lit a big fire outside the town. The fire with all these 800 pounds of marijuana sent a cloud of thick smoke billowing into the sky. Then the flock of birds flew straight into that cloud. Upon exiting the other side, the entire flock mysteriously performed a 180-degree turn and flew back into the cloud of smoke. The effect of this was, all the birds got stoned.
What do you get if you cross cat with a gorilla? An animal that puts you out at night.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show.
A tomcat and a female tabby were courting on the fence one night. He leaned over to her and purred: “I’d die for you." She looked up coyly and asked: “How many times?"
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!” “So?,” asked the duck’s former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, “Why do you have boobs on your back?” The camel replies, “Ha! That’s a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face.”
Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, “Forget it, those things taste funny.”
Q: What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence? A: Time to fix the fence.
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.” The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
Snail Joke #1
A snail entered a police station and told an officer, “I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!” The officer replied, “Why that’s terrible. Did you get a good look at them?” “No sir, it all happened so fast!”
Snail Joke #2
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, “Hey man, what did you do that for?!”
Urban Dictionary: Definitions of Animal
Imgur: Most Popular Animal Pictures
Funny Animal Videos