1 This Is How Mormons Are Different From Jews And Catholics
Jews don’t recognize Jesus. Catholics don’t recognize divorce. What do Mormons not recognize? A: Each other in the liquor store. Check out some awesome Religious Jokes
2 Mormon Bishop
Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”
The man said, “I do bishop.”
The Bishop said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the Bishop asked the second man, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”
“Certainly, bishop,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Bishop.
Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t sir.”
The Bishop said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
3 This Is Why You Need 2 Mormons When You Go Fishing
Why do you always take 2 Mormons with you when you go fishing? If you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer.
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4 Mormon Mother
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Owen, 5, and Bill, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.
5 This Is Why I Feel Sorry For Mormons
When I was younger, I thought Mormons were lucky because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it must be great to have as many sexy wives as they wanted.
I’m moving next week. One of my friends offered to come help out, and I said “nah, My wife recruited a bunch of Mormons.” He looked at me, and completely seriously, asked me how they were going to fit the furniture on the bikes. Check out some Funny Friendship Quotes
7 Mormons’ Favorite Activity
Apparently masturbation is good for you — really, it is! Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person were to masturbate every two hours, he would never feel depressed.
So, that got me thinking… Mormons are always really happy, upbeat, and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along: they are all a bunch of wankers.
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8 Mormons Meet A Surprise Guest
Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
“Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what’s your name?”
“I’m Ralph, who are you?”
“Well, Ralph, I’m Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?”
“Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?”
“Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this.”
Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.
“Wow!” says Ralph, “Do you mean I can do that?”
“Certainly”, replies Jeff, “Just make a leap of faith.”
Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, “Hey, Mac, come over here.”
Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,
“Say, didn’t you see several workers falling from above?”
“Oh yea, it’s just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again.”
9 Mormons Change A Light Bulb
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? – Four: One to say the opening prayer, one to change the lightbulb, one to say the closing prayer, and one to bring refreshments. If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two, but you have to wait until the end of the month.
10 Devout Mormon Visits A Very Serious Doctor
A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?” Check out some awesome Doctor Jokes
11 News From Salt Lake City
So, a priest goes running into the Pope’s office. “Oh, Holy Father,” the priest says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Well, tell me the good news first,” says the Holy Father.
“Holy Father, we just got a phone call reporting that Jesus has returned!”
“My son,” the Pope says, “with good news like that how can there be any bad news?”
“The call came from Salt Lake City.”
12 Mormon Talks With God
A mormon man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife, a former Baptist, had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded, “So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her so good-looking?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
“Why did you make her such a good cook?”
“So you could love her, my son.”
The man thought about this. Then he said, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but… why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”
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