Obama: ‘No Boots On the Ground. Only Classy Dress Shoes’


Obama has announced an addition to his latest policy. Now not only ISIS will be degraded and eventually destroyed, but it will also have to deal with American dress shoes.

Obama has stated:

“I previously said there will be no boots on the ground. It still holds true. However, there will be dress shoes. We will make sure they are classy.”

Asked why America needs dress shoes in Syria, Obama answered:

“We have certain clandestine operations there. CIA, for example. They are helping make sure that whoever wins is just as corrupt as Assad. But CIA operatives are no troops. It’s too dangerous for them to fight in a battle. So I believe they deserve new dress shoes.”

Obama has issued this statement after a lobbying coalition of shoe-makers donated 10 million dollars to the Democratic party and 300 new dress shoes to Michelle Obama. We refuse to see the link between the two, however. We believe the President Obama simply wants the Syrian people to have good shoes.

It’s not only the CIA operatives who will be getting the new dress shoes.

According to Obama’s plan (approved by all the big business shoemakers), every Syrian fighter will be getting a pair of classy dress shoes (even those fighting for Assad).

John Boehner explained the “classy dress shoes” strategy this way:

“The Syrian people deserve to wear classy dress shoes. They deserve them more than food or water. I know because I buy myself a new pair almost every day.”

But this statement by Boehner has been issued after lots of bipartisan wrangling, which involved arguments about the best brand of classy shoes.

After lots of wrangling, however, both Democrats and Republicans have agreed that Obama is absolutely right. This happened after a lobbying coalition of shoe-makers have donated additional ten million dollars, this time to a Republican party.

After this ten-million-dollar donation, the Republicans have urged Obama to spend as much as possible on classy dress shoes. They said – in an official statement:

“Business is very important. America stands on the shoulders of its businessmen. So let’s make sure we spend as much as possible to help our friends-shoemakers, and of course the people of Syria.”

The people of Syria have not responded, or the United States’ media have found something better to report, something like Britney Spears shopping for toilet paper.

Regardless of mass media, Obama would have no conversation with anyone from Syria. He considers their leader “a terrorist”. He also considers his enemies “terrorists”. Because of that, Obama’s advisers plan to distribute the dress shoes through CIA. This way CIA will have a chance to boost the morale of its operatives by sneaking in some drugs hidden in dress shoes.

After this development, Obama’s approval ratings have fallen even lower. His wife’s ratings, however, soared. So the liberal media have encouraged her to become the next president. Because of such happy development, Obama said that he will no longer utter his infamous “change we can believe in”. He said he has come up with a new catchphrase:

“No Boots on the ground. Only classy dress shoes. Support my wife Michelle, the classy dress shoes you can believe in”.

Roman Marshanski
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