55 Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Jokes That Will Make You LOL
LOL at 55 best Mitch Hedberg quotes, jokes, and one liners. If you like this American comedian, this page is for you.
This page has the most hilarious stuff of this stand-up comedian. It includes the best of his absurdly funny one-line jokes and stand-up comedy videos. One of them is the video of his last TV performance. Other short videos on this page are equally entertaining.
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it’s dirty.
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
If I had nine fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations, which is weird.
I saw this wino who was eating grapes. It’s like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day.
I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say: “You’re home!”
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, so it died.
I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.
When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was.
I find that ducks’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
11 Best Mitch Hedberg Jokes
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If you’re a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have really good posture. You can’t be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.
I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don’t know what’s really happening down there. Who is the real hero?
My roommate said to me, “I’m gonna go shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
When it comes to racism, people say, “I don’t care if someone is white, black, purple, or green.” Hold on now. Purple or green? You’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
8. Gatorade Joke
By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be… A thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic.
9. Banana Joke
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
10. Tennis Joke
The thing that’s depressing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
11. Mitch Hedberg Sesame Joke
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying: “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”
11 Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. “Damnit, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!” “Damnit, Otto, you have lupus!” One of those two doesn’t sound right.
I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers!” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were.
I got to act with Peter Frampton in a movie. We had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was fake pot. Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I’ve done that way more.
I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
As a comedian living in Hollywood, everyone wants me to do things besides comedy. “Can you act?” “Write us a script!” They want me to do things related to comedy, but not comedy. It’s as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, “Okay, you’re a cook. Can you farm?”
6. Donut Quote
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here!”
7. Escalator Quote
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
8. Rice Quote
I like rice, rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
9. Birthday Quote
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
10. Dreams Quote
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and catch up with them later.
11. Mitch Hedberg DoubleTree Quote
I can’t tell you what hotel I’m stayin’ in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, “Let’s call this hotel “Something…Tree”, so they had a meeting; it…it was quite short. “How ’bout Tree?” “No, Double Tree.” “Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!” I had my heart set on “Quadruple Tree”… damnit, we were almost there!
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The Best Of Mitch Hedberg’s Comedy In One Video
Please watch this video now to see his best stand-up comedy.
7 Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes
I’m an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
My friend said, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess.”
I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans, cuz maybe they’re just as good, and we’re wasting time.
When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds… that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I did comedy for a fundraiser, cuz I have a big heart. We were trying to raise money for one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!”
Mitch Hedberg’s Last Performance
The video below is from Late Night with Conan O’Brien show. It shows him at his best.
Check out the last TV appearance of this great American comedian. Please watch it now.
Mitch Hedberg Interview
Learn a few things about Mitch. Watch his interview.
His Movies And TV Shows
He has acted in only a few movies, such as Lords of Dogtown and Almost Famous. But he did a great job as a guest star of That ’70s Show. Though he’s only in one episode of that TV show, his performance is hilarious. You can see it for yourself in the video below.
See his hilarious performance now.
5 Mitch Hedberg Clean Jokes
When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. We moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.
You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. “Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.” It’s too many letters, man. “Hello?” “Hold on, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!”
When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
I get the Reese’s candy bar, if you read that name Reese’s that’s an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-‘s’, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says “Let me have that,” you better hand it over. “I’m sorry, Reese, I didn’t think I’d ever run into you!”
