12 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
13 A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. Spanish Proverb
14 I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Jack Benny
15 He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. Ring Lardner
16 What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl Bailey
17 If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
18 Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. Natasha Leggero
19 Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. Fran Lebowitz
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20 I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. Russell Brand
21 Gravitation can’t be held responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein
22 If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz
23 If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz
24 Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni
25 I’m now making a Jewish p**** film. 10 percent s**, 90 percent guilt. Henny Youngman
26 Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
27 Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t. Anonymous
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28 Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. Phyllis Schlafly
29 What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner
30 Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason
31 To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful. Anonymous
32 Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms. J. P. Senn
33 There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock
34 I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? Jean Illsley Clarke
35 Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. Richard Pryor
36 A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen
37 My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler
38 When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. Richard Lewis
39 My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling
40 Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke
41 Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones
42 Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. Bill Maher
43 My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano
44 Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns
45 Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
46 Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Professor Irwin Corey
47 A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. Anonymous
48 My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield
49 What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Cindy Garner
50 Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, s** raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
51 If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. Katherine Mansfield
52 Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. Bettina Arndt
53 True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal
54 Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford
55 I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
56 By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
57 In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place. Rowland
58 Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to his wife hath said, “Breakfast be damned, come back to bed.” Anonymous
59 Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprise at the large number that re-enlist. James Garner
60 An arhaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
61 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven’t had time for tobacco since. Arturo Toscanini
62 Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld
63 Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. Helen Gurley Brown
64 Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks; it looks easy until you try it. Helen Rowland
65 I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, s**, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. Carson
66 Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. David Sedaris
67 There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach. Barbara Hower
68 Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
69 If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. Chelsea Peretti
70 When a couple of young people strongly devoted to each other commence to eat onions, it is safe to pronounce them engaged. James Montgomery Bailey
71 Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. Judith Viorst
72 Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry out the trash. Joyce Brothers
73 Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler
74 If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. Miles Davis
75 My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
76 Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. Jean Kerr
77 My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan! Leopold Fetchner
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
