Apple’s Executives Wanted You To Avoid Taxes

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You may have heard of a small company named Apple. Back in the day, it was founded in the garage by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne. It still is kinda small. It has only 500 billion dollar market capitalization and insanely ridiculous profits.

These ridiculous figures may be the reason Apple is avoiding taxes. They are just not ridiculous enough for its executives. Or they simply can’t get enough:

Apple Executives Cannot Get Satisfaction

We have secret information that this drawing has been made by Tim Cook while trying to avoid taxes.

Then it should come as no surprise that EU may sue Apple for tax evasion. It was just a matter of time before Apple was going to get hit for its “can’t get enough practices”. Apparently, EU does not think Rolling Stones’ song justifies tax evasion, even when sang beautifully.

Apple, however, has a more compelling justification than the song by Rolling Stones. Its executives have issued a joint statement, that was later released by Apple’s spokesperson.

That “joint statement” was welcomed all over the world for its heartfelt sincerity. That’s more than understandable. Apple stated that the US wars make it pointless to pay taxes to United States’ government, so they would rather hide their money in offshore accounts, get illegal subsidies, and then re-invest all that money in themselves; or better yet, let Tim Cook buy himself a new yacht. Does not it sound nice?

But don’t take my words for granted. Read the actual joint statement by Apple’s executives:

“We, the great creative genises of Apple, declare that we have been creatively avoiding taxes for good reasons. These reasons included such nice tendencies as greed, indiffirence, and most importanly, an earnest desire to save the world.

We believe our tax evasion practices have helped made the world a better, safer place, because US didn’t have all the money to bomb the world. Therefore, we, the greatest creative geniuses of Planet Earth, urge you – and command you (yeah, better do it) – to buy more iPhone and other Apple products.

Well, we actually wanted to say: ‘Avoid taxes. Support peace’. Our attorneys, however, said that we should keep our mouths shut.”

Quite a statement, huh? I wouldn’t never thought Apple would issue something like that, but they did. Reaction to this will most likely be nuclear.

There are bright, positive sides to this story, however. One of them is that EU officials turned out to be less corrupt than its US counterparts. This side may not be that bright or positive though. Google may have bribed them to kick Apple. Conspiracy everywhere.

Indeed, it’s amazing that EU officials seem so less corrupt. United States’ government officials knew about Apple’s tax code violations even before EU got the Apple’s smell of it. Yet the US government officials did nothing about it. That’s understandable though. They are simply Apple fanboys supporting their favorite brand. Don’t even mention lobbyists. They have nothing do with it.

As a matter of fact US government officials knew about this whole shebang long before EU’s investigation. The Business Insider reported it more than a year ago:

The report published by the Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations… gives an inside look on Apple’s absolutely genius tax avoidance strategies.

Apple uses a variety of offshore structures and arrangements to shift billions of dollars from the United States to Ireland.

Genius. Apple is genius. Apple is genius even when avoiding taxes. Steve Jobs’ legacy lives on in more than one way.

His legacy also used to be legal. Or if you don’t agree, you don’t know how to avoid taxes. So don’t talk to me about poverty and other stuff like that. First learn to avoid taxes, then do something about social problems.

Hell yeah! Ain’t Apple got a good moral philosophy? Squeeze every cent possible from its customers, then hide it in various offshore accounts. Sounds like very innovative idea.

The U.S. corporate tax rate is 35%, while Apple said it has negotiated a special corporate tax rate in Ireland of less than 2%.

Apple has created subsidiaries in low-tax places like Ireland, the Netherlands, Luxembourg and the British Virgin Islands — some little more than a letterbox or an anonymous office — that help cut the taxes it pays around the world.

Woohoo! Let’s buy more Apple products, especially the new, super-bending Bendgate iBend! Let’s help Apple bend the tax code Cook way! If you don’t, get outta here! You’re not an Apple fan!

Oh, and by the way, did you know some Apple fans are angry they are paying so little for the new iPhone? They want to pay more. They want to help Apple get even more money, so it could avoid even more taxes. Who could blame them? Just look at this face and tell me you don’t love it:

Face of Angry Tim Cook

Not angry iPhone costs so little? Then you should be ashamed of yourself. You should be helping Apple avoid taxes by buying more of its products and making it rich enough to buy any US-born politician.

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Roman Marshanski

Roman Marshanski

This post has been created by Roman Marshanski, the founder of this site. He loves film, comedy, and innovative technology. He believes in bringing about positive change to the world through good-natured humor and innovative technology. If you enjoyed reading this page, follow him on Google+ or Pinterest for more awesome content.
Roman Marshanski