The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. – Check out more Politically Incorrect Jokes –
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. – Check out more Funny Friendship Quotes –
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago. I shot my broker.
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know. – Check out more Funny Animal Jokes –
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
[on Harry S. Truman’s upset defeat of Thomas E. Dewey in the 1948 Presidential elections] The only way a Republican will get into the White House now is to marry Margaret Truman. – Check out more funny President Jokes –
We’ve got to speed things up in this hotel.
Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes.
If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. Groucho Marx Quote from the movie “A Night In Casablanca”
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Check out more Funny Marriage Jokes –
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Chico: “Here’s the book, it’s a dollar”
Groucho: “Here’s a ten, and shoot the change.”
Chico: “I don’t have change. I’d have to give you nine more books” Groucho Marx Quote from the movie “A Day At The Races”
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
He was a strange little man – this Charlie Chaplin. The first time I met him he was wearing what had formerly been a white collar and a black bow tie. I can’t quite explain his appearance, but he looked a little like a pale priest who had been excommunicated but was reluctant to relinquish his vestments.
[on Charlie Chaplin] The greatest compliment I ever got was from Chaplin. He came up to me and said, “I wish I could talk like you on the screen”. I said, “I think you’re doing alright”. He had made $50 million by that point. He was the best comedian we ever had. – Check out more Charlie Chaplin Quotes –
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt. – Check out more Funny Sex Jokes –
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
I’ve always been terrified of dying broke or of being a failure. I’ve never taken a bit of success for granted. When it came, I was always sure it wasn’t going to last.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. – Check out more Funny Military Jokes –
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
When I heard about [the Broadway play] “Hair”, I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 apiece. That’s an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, ‘This isn’t worth $11’.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. – Check out more funny Hollywood Jokes –
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
[after a visit to W.C. Fields’ home] He had a ladder leading up to his attic. Without exaggeration, there was $50,000 worth of liquor up there. Crated up like a wharf. I’m standing there and Fields is standing there, and nobody says anything. The silence is oppressive. Finally, he speaks: “This will carry me for twenty-five years”.
My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
Man: Are you a man or a mouse?
Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you’ll find out. Groucho Marx Quote from the movie “A Day At The Races”
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
There has never been a good comedian that didn’t have a good straight man. Audiences don’t *think* the straight man means anything, but it’s very important.
Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I’d make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid. Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers’ organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don’t know if that’s true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
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