What If Superman Met Darth Vader In A Stoner Movie


I recently read an article about Superman who witnessed a crime and did nothing about it. Superman was simply a scared man in the costume of Superman though.

So the man was no Superman. He was Fearman with a capital “F”. But my imagination could not be satisfied with this. So I started daydreaming: “Why would this happen in a real movie? Why would Superman do nothing while somebody commits a crime? Did he get stoned?”

Exactly! The Superman would be from the planet of stoners. His real name would be revealed as “The Man of Stone”. The whole movie would revolve around this concept. So it would also be revealed that the name “Darth Vader” comes from the word “valium”. He would turn out to have fathered “Superman” after taking a super high dose of valium.

That would easily explain why Superman and Darth Vader stood by while thief robbed a police car. They were having fun. They were being friendly with each other. They were taking a day off from their superhero duties. While doing so, they have found out they have the same insecurities.

As they find out each other’s insecurities, they hug each other and promise to never hurt anyone again, either good or bad. Superman suggests they convert to Buddhism and fight the criminals with the power of kind word.

Darth Vader agrees with Superman. He also embraces the power of kind word. He sincerely wishes to become good. Five minutes later, however, he pledges to murder his son. Superman is indignant. He says: “Darth, how can you be so evil?! I thought you believed in Buddha!”

Darth goes on a long rant. He is so high on valium you cannot understand what he’s talking about. But Superman is indeed a Superman. He reads the lips of Darth Vader. They say: “Fuck you Luke Skywalker!” Therefore, Superman invokes the power of kind word and smacks the hell out of Darth Vader.

As Darth Vader lies there, unconscious, Superman dials God himself. Therefore, he misses a criminal who has just robbed a cop car – the action is taking place on the Hollywood Boulevard. But God is not impressed. He thinks catching a criminal is more important than whatever it is Superman is trying to say. Superman is so high on weed he remembers the language of Crypton and God has never been there.

Some drunk smashes a bottle against the head of Superman. It makes Superman sober and gives him an ability to speak English again. Superman high-fives that guy and continues his conversation with God. He tells God he wants to get in touch with Luke Skywalker. He says he wants to reunite him with his father. He says he thinks the two can become an excellent team. God tells him to fuck off.

Superman asks “Why?” But God has hung up. He apparently has more important stuff to take care of.

While Superman has been busy pestering God for Luke Skywalker’s number, Angry Guy has broken the window of a car and stole a Macbook. Superman has noticed this. But this is too late to act: the criminal – Angry Guy – is on the other side of the street, separated from Superman by a huge crowd.

That’s when my friend Jo – a college student with a grade point average of “B-” – pins that nasty criminal to the ground. He has no weapon of any kind. But the criminal does have a knife. So as they wrestle on the ground, the criminal takes a stab at Joe, but misses by an inch or so. Just a second later, he is about to stab again – instead he falls on the ground unconscious. Joe’s girlfriend has hit him on the head with a baseball bat.

Turns out you don’t even have to be a man to save a life. Superhero lives inside each of us.

Roman Marshanski
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