That Slow, Expensive Ambulance


I had a stomachache. Eventually it got so bad I started screaming. That’s when I called ‘911’. At that moment I thought that whenever you call ‘911’ someone immediately comes to your hep. I was wrong. It took them half an hour.

The knock came on my door. Two men were standing still. Let them in. Fell on the couch. They brought in an emergency kit, asked me some questions, took my pulse. Then the surprise came: I was doing fine and had nothing to worry about.

“No, I’m not. If I were doing fine, I wouldn’t be screaming.” – I said.
“Well, drink some 7Up. It will help.” – One of them said.
“Well, Pepto Beptismo may also help.” – the other one added.

I asked them to write down these and any other medications that may help me (7Up included). So they did. But when I asked about transportation to the hospital, they said it would be a bad choice. Indeed, it would have been a bad choice: it would have cost me 2,400$. For the hospital, of course, that would be an excellent choice.

Determined to save the money, I closed the door and fell on the couch. Then I called up my friend and asked him to buy the medications. He agreed. Meanwhile I was not sure.

“Are these medications going to help?” – I asked myself. Then the answer came: “Probably not.” That was the voice of merciful universe. I have suddenly developed a friendship with it. So I asked it for a favor: “Universe, please bring here that hot blonde Anastasia!”

Before the universe could answer, my friend brought Pepto Beptismo. I felt happy and grateful. I even forgave that hot blonde. But very soon I withdrew my forgiveness and got even angrier. I drank Pepto Beptismo and felt even worse.

Eventually my friend took me to a hospital. By the time they started my examination the pain has already gone and I was doing fine. No wonder they said I was doing fine.

Now that I had this experience I can say that they have a wonderful healthcare system here in the United States. Nothing should be changed. An ambulance should stay just as slow as it is. It would definitely save countless lives.

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