Two redneck farmers are leaning over a farm gate when gorgeous girl pulls up in her Mercedes. She gets out and says “I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. But you need to wear these condoms to stop me from getting pregnant.” So they have a Ball.
A week later, one of these redneck farmers says to his mate: “Are you still worried she got pregnant?” His mate says: “Naw, not really.” Then he replies: “LETS TAKE THESE CONDOMS OFF THEN.”
2 Joke About Two Rednecks And Their Dog
Two rednecks were sitting on a porch. A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. One redneck looks to the other and says: “Man, I sure wish I could do that.” The other redneck says: “Maybe if you pet him first.”
3 Funny Redneck Joke About Logic
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, were sitting at a bar.
Jim says to Bob: “You know what? I think I’m going to go to college”.
When he is talking to the Dean at the college, the Dean says to Jim: “You will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic”.
“Logic? What the heck is that?” Jim asked.
“Here,” the Dean said, “I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker?”
“Yes.”
“Then logically speaking you have a house”.
” I do have a house”.
“And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heteros**ual!”
“Wow!” Jim said, “You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker!” The Dean nodded.
Excited, Jim goes back to Bob and says: “I will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic.”
“Logic?” Bob said,” What the heck is that?”
“Here, I will give you an example, do you own a weed Wacker?” Jim said.
“No,” Bob replies.
“Then you’re gay.”
4 Daughters Are Like Their Mothers
A redneck took his daughter to the gynecologist.
They waited in the doctor’s office when finally the doctor came in and asked the father: “Well, what are we here for today”?
The father answered: “to get my daughter on birth control, Doc”.
“Well, is your daughter s**ually active?”, asked the doctor.
“No”, answered the redneck, “she just lays there like her mother”.
5 How NOT To Go On Vacation
Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Bahamas and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Dale asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
“I’m taking Earlene with me.”
6 Redneck Police Officer And The Muslim Man
The Muslim man is driving through a rural town in Alabama when is was pulled over by a redneck police officer. The police officer gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim man’s car.
“Do you know how fast you were going?” The police officer says.
The Muslim man responds angrily, “I had no f***ing clue officer!”
The cop, surprised, looks at the Muslim man in the eyes and says, “What did you just say ta me?”
The Muslim man apologizes: “I’m sorry officer, it’s Ramadan and I’ve been fasting. It’s part of my religion and I’m on edge.”
The redneck cop writes the Muslim man a ticket and looks down at him, then says: “One, yer religion don’t let you slide past all our laws, an’ two, it ain’t called fastin’, stupid. Its called speedin’.”
7 Redneck Bird Joke: Hang-gliding That Didn’t Go Smoothly
Bubba the redneck decided to save up and get a hang-glider.
He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge – into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.
Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.
“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of Bubba!”
8 Counting Chickens Redneck Style
A redneck sees another redneck carrying a bag. He stops him and says: “Hey buddy what do you have in that bag?”
The other replies: “chickens, why?”
The first says: “If I guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one?”
The redneck holding the bag of chickens says: “If you guess how many chickens are in this bag I’ll give you both of them!”
9 Redneck Marries A Virgin
Redneck couple get married. They are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a s**y outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers: “Please be gentle with me. I’m a virgin.”
The man jumps up screaming, grabs his trousers, and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying: “Now, now. It’ll be okay, son. If she wasn’t good enough for her own family, then she isn’t good enough for ours.”
10 Redneck Family In A Shopping Mall
Redneck family was visiting a big city for the first time, and they found themselves in a shopping mall. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen nuthin’like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yo Momma.”
11 Redneck Reveals His Dark Secret
A woman walked up to a little old redneck rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six,” he said.
12 The Hole Into Which The Goat Jumped
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”
The second hunter says, “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “There’s this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!”
13 Redneck Husband
A redneck husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name.The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” the redneck would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”
14 Young Rednecks Learn To Swear
Two young boys had their redneck cousin over to spend the night with them. While they were playing in their fort, one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin’s finger. The redneck cousin said “OW MOTHERF***ER GET OFF MY FINGER!”
The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late.
The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen.
“What do you want for breakfast?” Dad asked.
“I want some motherf***ing pancakes!”, The first boy exclaimed. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room.
The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. “I want some motherf***ing pancakes!”, the second boy said. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying.
Redneck cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast.
Redneck cousin says “I don’t know, but I sure as HELL don’t want any motherf***ing pancakes!”
15 Redneck Who Misunderstood The Road Sign
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”
16 Two Redneck Hunters Flying In Helicopter
Two redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bulls.
The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”
One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”
17 Drunk Rednecks Go Hunting
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”
“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.
“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”
18 Rednecks Discuss Their Wives
Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.
The first redneck says, “My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike.”
The second redneck says, “Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV.
The third redneck says, “Oh yeah, well I can top both of those. MY wife’s so stupid, the other night I found condoms in her purse, and she don’t even have a penis!”
Short Redneck Jokes
18 Why do birds fly over trailer parks upside down? There’s nothing worth crapping on.
19 What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? Hey y’all… Watch this!
20 How do rednecks spend the first week of the school year? Studying the Miranda Rights.
21 What are the only two seasons a Redneck can name? Football and Construction.
22 How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
23 Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
24 Why do rednecks like having s** doggy style? That way they can both watch wrestling.
25 You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
