Devil Replaces John Boehner Who Resigned. Here’s Why.
You may be wondering about the reasons John Boehner resigned. This article explains it all, from a creative point of view. You won’t know the truth, but neither will you if you read other articles on the subject. So you may as well read this article and our collection of John Boehner jokes that show his true nature.
On September 25th, John Boehner said:
It had become clear to me that this prolonged leadership turmoil would do irreparable harm to the institution. I don’t want my members to have to go through this. And I certainly don’t want the institution to have to go through this. I was thinking about walking out the door anyway.
He said this like a true hero in front of other Republican members of Congress who don’t give a slightest damn about an average American. Republicans’ slogan has been clearly expressed in The Simpsons’ episode ‘Bart Gets an Elephant’:
We Want What’s Worst For Everyone and We’re Just Plain Evil.
What’s more, the evil they do is never enough for them. They cannot stop feeling guilty that the rich are still taxed. Though they are taxed far less than the poor, the Republicans think that even that is too much. That is how fiercely loyal they are to their corporate masters. They would not mind selling their souls to the devil either. That is how they came up with the idea of devil replacing John Boehner.
After a conference with Koch Brothers, the Republican Congressmen were glad to hear that the candidate Koch Brothers are most fond of is the devil himself. Koch Brothers have praised devil’s commitment to undermining everyone’s welfare for the sake of easy profits.
Koch Brothers said that they stand with the devil 100 percent, because how else in the world could they get away with repeatedly rigging the elections of the world’s greatest democracy? Or maybe this is the result of money in politics? No, this country is free from that problem. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a total schizophrenic. That’s according to wonderful Fox News and Rupert Murdoch The Scumbag. Listen more to them to hear what Koch Brothers want you to hear.
Once the devil took the seat of House Speaker, he promised to rein in Democrats by slandering them with vicious but groundless attacks, a tactic that worked so effectively for Republican party. He also promised to help Republicans kill millions of innocent Americans by repealing Obamacare. John Boehner has immediately offered the devil his full support, stating that he is going to help devil repeal the Obamacare by saying Catholic prayers.
The serious man, Andy Borowitz, was the first to report about John Boehner’s desire to continue repealing Obamacare over and over again till no one can stand hearing about it:
Explaining his decision, Boehner told reporters, “A lot of the Speaker’s job is administrative, which is time-consuming and tiring. In retirement, I’ll have more time for what I really love: repealing Obamacare."
Boehner said that he plans to begin every day with a good breakfast, some exercise, and a vote to repeal Obamacare before lunch.
Though House Democrats expressed willingness to save John Boehner from getting axed by his own party, he refused. Apparently, he forgot a joke about the old Republican who converted to Democrats on his deathbed. That old Republican converted to Democratic party right before his death, stunning all of his friends. When asked why, he replied: “I’d rather it be one of them than one of us.” John Boehner, on the other hand, apparently wants it to be one of his own men.
That’s because deep inside Boehner is a good guy and a closeted socialist. But he cannot stand his own noble aspirations, so he tries his best to compensate for them by being as evil as possible. But nowadays you cannot be evil enough if you are a Republican Congressman. The devil, himself, has already faced criticism for being way too kind.
If you want to hear even more far-fetched version of why John Boehner resigned, read completely fake but corporate-approved article from CNN by name of Why John Boehner Quit. It offers such implausible explanation as the birth of his grandchild and the visit of the Pope, like he ever cared about anything but his own totally selfish rise to the power:
It was almost an ideal time for Boehner to step aside. His new grandchild had been blessed by the Pope a day before, and he could leave, in many ways, on a high note after the emotional experience of the leader of his church addressing the chamber a day before.
That’s right. The emotional note was high because he felt happy about meeting head of the church after making deal with the devil. Scam artist has the name: John Boehner.
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