Texas To Secede From USA Because Of ISIS
You may have heard that Texas sheriff has found signs of ISIS on Texan border. Those signs included such dire threats of violence as ‘Muslim clothing’and ‘Quran books'(SCARY!).
The sheriff who found these dire threats of violence concluded that ‘there are Muslims that have come across and have been smuggled in the United States‘.
How can someone simultaneously come across and be smuggled? The miracles like this are apparently normal in Texas. It was reported on Fox News though, so one should not be surprised. Anything is possible on Fox News, the only TV channel dedicated to bringing Rupert Murdoch’s fantasies to life.
Turns out this was just the beginning of a brand new secession saga. Texan politicians started calling it the reason Texas should secede from United States. They say that Texas has never been threatened so serious, ever since the brother of George Bush had to come to his rescue when Texans did not vote the way they were supposed to.
Referendum for Texan independence is scheduled to be two hundred years from now. They explained that such long wait is necessary because by that time ISIS will no longer exist and so there will be no reason to secede. Makes perfect sense, at least in the context of political insanity you can see in Texas.
Fox News have hailed this development as one step towards better democracy. We refuse to see the link between this statement and the advertisements Texan businessnessmen and politicians have bought from Fox News.
George Bush has come out of retirement and said he would paint a painting of Texas free from the forces of United States. He said he looks forward to importing illegal immigrants to his ranch.
Barack Obama was relatively calm. Asked why, he explained that as long as he is not being impeached with a good reason, he completely ignores all the developments – both national and foreign – and makes all decisions on auto-pilot.
Russians lauded Texans’ decision to secede, though cautioned that 200 years from now neither Russian Federation nor United States may exist. Chinese colloborated this version of the future, saying they are actively seeking ways for Russia and America to nuke each other.
Meanwhile, liberal media stated that Texas should secede sooner than in 200 years. This way, Washington may start listening to states’ problems and things may actually change for the better.
Overall, however, things in Texas are likely to stay the same. Its businessmen have stated that they were, are, and will always be patriots who evade taxes by keeping it in Switzerland.
Switzerland’s banks refused to comment on this remark. But IRS said they would investigate. The investigation was halted just two days later by John Boehner, the protector of American people and its main benefactor.
“Hooray to Republicans!” Texan businessmen stated after the investigation against them was stopped. This fact would likely sway them to help the secession movement.
Secession movement is of course not as important as the amount of money Texan politicians would get by helping Texan businessmen import illegal immigrants once secession is complete.