Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. Check out our awesome collection of President Jokes
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. Check out our awesome collection of Stupid Questions | Funny Answers
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**kin’ heroic.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble. George Carlin Quotes from Brain Droppings
The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.
I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police. Check our our awesome collection of Funny Sex Jokes
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
Continue reading these Funny George Carlin Quotes On Life
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that s**t out by myself in the third grade.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. George Carlin Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Check our our awesome collection of Funny Santa Claus Jokes
We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the f**kin’ planet? . . . And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are f**ked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
Life is a zero sum game.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Check out our awesome collection of Funny Money Quotes
I never f**ked a ten, but one night, I f**ked five twos.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? Check out our awesome collection of Helen Keller Quotes
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can g**damn sure blow it up.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f**king hatreds!
Continue reading these George Carlin Religion Quotes
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? Check out our awesome collection of Funny Doctor Jokes
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Hooray for most things!
“No comment” is a comment.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
What year did Jesus think it was?
You can’t argue with a good bl**job.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls. Famous George Carlin Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you’d rather not be doing. anytime you’d rather be doing something other than the thing you’re doing…you’re doing hard work. George Carlin Quote from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an org**m.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same as**ole your father was”. Funny George Carlin Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the as**ole.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
Continue reading these Funny George Carlin Quotes
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
It’s not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when ‘reasoning’ human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!
What exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free world. And I can’t find a clear definition of that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling d**dos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for; “The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the world”; and “the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth.” That last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown people. Which is every couple of years. Famous George Carlin Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’
If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself. George Carlin Quote from Brain Droppings
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “F**k waffles.”
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocks**ker from Guatemala.”
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have as**oles on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to f**k in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherf**ker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Sh*t, piss, f**k, c*nt, cocks**ker, motherf**ker, and t*ts.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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