What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If it doesn’t have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
(in New York) I’ll get out of this city alive if it kills me!
Ah, ha ha! Look at that jerk! He dropped his notes! AH, HA HA!
We’re goin’ bowling. If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fuh-LAMING!
You’re not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.
Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am… filled with murderous rage!
Good things don’t end in ‘eum’, they end in ‘mania’… or ‘teria’.
Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel.
Here’s to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems.
I won’t apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way that I am.
Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
You can’t keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on
Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
If God didn’t want us to eat in church, he would’ve made gluttony a sin.
First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Well, it’s 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything.
I’ve always wondered if there was a God, and now I know there is. It’s me.
If they think I’m going to stop at that stop sign, they’re sadly mistaken!
Marge, I agree with you – in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory.
Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju.
I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me, and… maybe the boy!
Don’t you know the saying? ‘Water water everywhere, so let’s all have a drink.’
Everyone knows rock n’ roll attained perfection in 1974; It’s a scientific fact.
Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
Well, if it isn’t the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.
Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
Hey, he’s not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that!
I thought I had an appetite for destruction… but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
Marge, what’s wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It’s gas, isn’t it?
Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her – during the commercial.
Enough. I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!
Don’t worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep… in a giant blender.
First you don’t want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love?
I’m a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
But Marge, what if we picked the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he’s fine by me. (While holding a newborn Bart)
Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.
There’s so much I don’t know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.
A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It’s a tool, like a butcher’s knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
I’m going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love… and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of people know that.
(snoring and talking in his sleep during Frank Grimes’ funeral service) Change the channel, Marge.
All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
[telling Bart about how he avoided jury duty] The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
Hmm… fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury sedan… Wohooo! I hit the jackpot!
I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
Lisa, a guy who’s got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don’t know how long I can complain.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel…
Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as “The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.”
[about Lisa] Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat?’
It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff… and I want in.
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree!
(Homer bursts through the bedroom door and screams at a nervous Bart) Bart! You wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!
If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That’s the American way.
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four.
My father never believed in me! I’m not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I’m gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.
What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?!
Hmmm… I don’t approve of his Bart-killing policy… but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy [subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob].
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt? (chuckles)
Always remember that you’re representing your country… I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
I won’t sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I’m lazy! I’m going right downstairs to unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping be… g’night.
Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. (long pause) Well… g’night!
Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another… until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. ‘Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.’ Now let’s go to back to that… building…thingy.. where our beds and TV… is.
Aw, Dad… you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man now, and old people are useless, aren’t they? Aren’t they? [he tickles Abe, who laughs]
(on the phone) Hello, Thailand? How’s everything on your end? (listens) Uh huh. That’s some language you got there. (chuckling) And you talk like that 24/7, huh?
Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! According to this, everybody’s a sinner! Except for this guy.
America’s health care system is second only to Japan… Canada, Sweden, Great Britain… well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay.
Owww look at me Marge, I’m making people Happy! I’m the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!…… By the way I was being sarcastic…
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called… The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.
I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.
Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie… Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
Oh, look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again]
Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say… This stinks!
“To start, press any key.” Where’s the “any” key?! I see Kuh-tor-ull, Esc, and Pig-Up, but I don’t see the “Any” key! Woah, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, I think I’ll order a tab. (Presses tab key) Ooh, too late for that now, the computer’s starting!
Son, a woman is a lot like a… [looks around] a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um… [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Never! Never, Marge! I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors – oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?!
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and for the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is ok, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) Deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (pause) Thy will be done. (eats the cookies)
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
