44 Stephen Colbert Quotes

1. Enjoy the best Stephen Colbert Quotes. Quotes by Stephen Colbert, political satirist.
2. Trouble with the jokes is that once they’re written, I know how they’re supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I’m more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.
3. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
4. I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
5. I can’t prove it, but I can say it.
6. I don’t like books, they’re all fact, no heart.
7. Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
8. If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.
9. I’m a huge news junkie. I love what the news do.
10. I’m not here to affect you politically or socially. I’m here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
11. I’m an actor. I hate to blow everyone’s illusions.
12. Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.
13. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It’s certainty.
14. Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.
15. What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
16. I don’t accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
17. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.
18. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
19. I wrote things for the school’s newspaper, and – like all teenagers – I dabbled in poetry.
20. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
21. If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.
22. I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
23. In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
24. All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we’re doing next week. That’s all I can worry about.
25. We have this idea in our minds that there’s this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing.
26. Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
27. I’ve been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I’m executive producer, I’m a writer and the host.
28. I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
29. You shouldn’t listen to us at all if you’re looking for information. We don’t take ourselves seriously on any level; we’re just comedians.
30. The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
31. In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ‘Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’
32. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.
33. My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
34. No, my mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
35. I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?
36. I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black ‘at’ people. I didn’t just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.
37. Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me!
38. I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.
39. My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
40. If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
41. I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn’t like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
42. I’m a satirist, so I’ve got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I’m not an assassin. If that ever happens, it’s only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.
43. We have this idea in our minds that there’s this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics – not just church and state, but it’s also there’s a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn’t.
44. Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don’t mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don’t know whether it’s a new thing, but it’s certainly a current thing, in that it doesn’t seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

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