15 Funniest Holiday Jokes
Check out these 15 Funniest Holiday Jokes we have found for you. They are the best Internet has to offer.
1. There are three stages of man – He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
2. Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
3. Dear santa, for this year I’m requesting, a fat bank account, and a small body. P.S. This year, please don’t mix them up, like you did last year.
4. It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.'” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”
5. Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
6. A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: “Dear Santa, I want a brother for Christmas.” Santa writes back, “Dear Timmy, send me me your mommy.”
7. A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. “Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.” Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. “That was amazing”, exclaimed the coach “I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?” “Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey, “let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?!”
8. Why don’t witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom!
9. Santa to hot chick: “Hey babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?”
10. Santa to hot chick: “Wanna see my 12-inch elf?”
11. Santa to hot chick: “Screw the ‘nice’ list. I’ve got you on my ‘naughty’ list.”
12. A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring liturgy of the passion of Christ in church on Good Friday. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?”
13. Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s screwing the chickens.
14. Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
15. Why isn’t the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he’s already stuffed!