My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don’t make no difference to me, I’ll make another one that looks just like you.”
2. Bill Cosby Jokes About His Education
My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children. We were very, very bright people. My wife graduated from the University of Maryland, child psychology major with a B-plus average, which means that if you ask her a question about a child’s behavior, she will give you at least an 85 answer. I, from Temple University, physical education major with a child psychology minor, which means that if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
3. Bill Cosby: Jesus Christ
It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. “Dammit, will you stop all that noise?” And, “Jesus Christ, sit down!” One day, I’m out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, “Dammit will you get back in here!” I said, “Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!”
4. Bill Cosby About Censoring Yourself
When you’re a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don’t want to say, “What the filth and foul and I’ll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I’ll filth and foul, foul, filth!” You don’t want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: “What the… Get your… I’ll put a… Get out of my face!”
5. Bill Cosby About His Parents
My parents never smiled… because I had brain damage. My wife and I don’t smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I’m having. Oh, they have a ball! “Havin’ a li’l trouble, huh, son?”
6. Bill Cosby Jokes About His Children
God has a sense of humor and God said, “Let him have a girl.” Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you’re a father. You’re home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she’d made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked for the child.
7. Bill Cosby About Cocaine
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,” and he said, “Because it intensifies your personality.” I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?
8. Bill Cosby Jokes About Dentists
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair… and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
9. Bill Cosby Complains About His Kids
Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!
10. Bill Cosby Jokes About Imaginary Animals
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
11. Bill Cosby Jokes About Human Beings
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
12. Bill Cosby Jokes About Bathroom Privacy
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
13. Bill Cosby Jokes About His Brother
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by “survival of the fittest.”
14. Bill Cosby Jokes About School Picnic
I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
16. Bill Cosby About Children and Immortality
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
17. Bill Cosby About Raising Children
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.
18. Bill Cosby About Women
Sigmund Freud once said, “What do women want?” The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.
19. Bill Cosby About Health-Food Stores
Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.
20. Bill Cosby About His Mother
My mother comes in my room and says, “Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!” Now, I’ve already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
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