1 Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who’s wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.
2 Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.
3 Carl Spackler: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I’m looking at you… You wore green so you could hide. I don’t blame you – you’re a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman you know that? You’re a little monkey woman… You’re lean and you’re mean and you’re not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
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4 Ty Webb: Don’t be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.’ He was a funny guy.
5 Bishop: [as he misses a putt on the 18th hole during the thunderstorm] OH, RAT FART!
[he holds up his club and is hit by lightning… Carl drops the golf bag and leaves him there]
Best Caddyshack Quotes And Dialogue Excerpts
6 Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It’s really… awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know… credit trouble.
7 Lifeguard: [Yelling to a rowdy swimmer] You put your suit on!
Joey D’Annunzio: Go shave your ass!
[Jumps off diving board]
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8 Judge Smails: I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
9 Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie D’Annunzio: A looper?
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
10 Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!
11 Lacey Underall: My uncle says you’ve got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.
12 Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won’t have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
13 [last lines]
Al Czervik: Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!
14 Ty Webb: Thank you very little.
15 Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you’re playing golf.
Spalding Smails: No I’m not grandpa I’m playing tennis.
Judge Smails: You’re playing golf and you’re going to like it.
Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I’ll give you asthma.
16 Al Czervik: He called me a baboon, he thinks I’m his wife.
Bill Murray Caddyshack Quotes
17 Carl Spackler: Oh, Mrs. Crane, I’m looking at you… You wore green so you could hide. I don’t blame you – you’re a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman you know that? You’re a little monkey woman… You’re lean and you’re mean and you’re not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
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18 Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
19 Richard Richards: Better come in till this blows over.
Bishop: What do you think, fella?
Carl Spackler: I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite awhile.
Bishop: You’re right. Anyway, the Good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[THUNDER]
20 Al Czervik: [after an airplane passes just above his head] I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!
21 Groundskeeper Sandy: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
Carl Spackler: I’ll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.
22 [Judge Smails is preparing to hit the ball on the first tee while Al Czervick watches]
Al Czervik: Hey ‘Whitey,’ where’s your hat?
[Smails looks over at Czervick, who is watching anxiously]
Al Czervik: …let’s go while we’re young!
Judge Smails: Mind Sir? Trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: …I bet ya slice into the woods! A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
[the judge hits the ball, and it goes flying into some trees, in response, he shouts in frustration]
Al Czervik: Okay, you can owe me!
Judge Smails: [mad] I owe you nothing!
23 Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?
24 Carl Spackler: [preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’.
25 Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
[gets cut off by Judge Smails]
Judge Smails: You’ll get nothing, and like it!
26 Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what’s your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don’t know.
27 Mrs. Smails: Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.
28 Judge Smails: It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.
Awesome Quotes From Caddyshack Movie By Characters Sandy And Carl Spackler
29 Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!
Carl Spackler: Check me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key…
Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that… we don’t even have to have a reason.
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30 Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.
31 Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.
32 Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.
33 Al Czervik: You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
