1 Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We’re supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.
2 – “Everybody knows you never go full reta**.”
– “What do you mean?”
– “Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, look reta****, act reta****, not reta****. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sure. Not retar****. You know, Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retar****, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retar****. And he was a god-damn war hero! You know any retar**** war heroes? You went full reta**, man. Never go full reta**. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam, Remember? Went full reta**. Went home empty handed.”
3 Kirk Lazarus (character played by Robert Downey Jr): Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth’s atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
4 Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don’t drop character ’till I done the DVD commentary.
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5 Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor’s no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.
6 Les Grossman: First, take a big step back… and literally, FU** YOUR OWN FACE! I don’t know what kind of pan-pacific bullsh** power play you’re trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise I’m gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an un-Godly fu***ing firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fu***ing United Nations and get a fu***ing binding resolution to keep me from fu***ing destroying you. I’m talking scorched earth, motherf***er! I will massacre you! I WILL FU** YOU UP!
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7 Rick Peck: You can’t be serious?
Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the 3rd runner-up “sexiest man alive” 1998… And you’re asking if I’m SERIOUS?
8 Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fu** is Half Squat?
9 Kirk Lazarus: I don’t read the script. The script reads me.
Funny Tropic Thunder Quotes And Dialogue Excerpts
10 Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars, and you saved Tugg Speedman’s career.
Les Grossman: I couldn’t have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, d***head. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn’t do that.
Les Grossman: Ah… joking.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You’re a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
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11 [Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pu***!
Jeff Portnoy: I’ll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let’s do this.
12 Kirk Lazarus: I’m just like a little boy, playin’ with his dick when he’s nervous.
13 [Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I’ve never been outside the states.
Cody: Wait what? Are you f***ing kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren’t even in the f***ing service?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody: Coast Guard.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh my god! You’re a f***ing garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.!
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I’m a patriot!
Cody: Yeah, you’re the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It’s like – it’s like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
Four Leaf Tayback: Writers lie all the time!
Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?
14 Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can’t cry, that’s what’s going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I’m ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it’s time to flip the script! We’ll get to Chinese New Year waitin’ for my man to cry.
Tropic Thunder Tom Cruise Quotes
15 Les Grossman (character played by Tom Cruise): Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That’s physics. It’s inevitable.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We’ve been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe… is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on T-Pain’s Apple Bottom Jeans and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Peck**. This is when the job gets fun! Ask… and you shall receive!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right…
Les Grossman: You play ball… we play ball. I knoowwww… you want the goodies!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? I’m talking… G5, Peck**! That’s how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bit** miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa… playa! Big dick playa!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.
Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or… you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: [whispering] Yes… and lots of money… playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]
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16 Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It’s complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It’s simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say “Hey! baby, you and me’s goin’ on a date, that’s the end of the story”. What’s her name?
Alpa Chino: …Lance
Kirk Lazarus: You say ‘Listen here, Lance’… Lance? What the fu** did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That’s what I said, Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I’m Alpa Chino! ‘I Love Tha Pu***’, aight? Lay yo as* back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote ‘I Love Tha Pu***’, was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance’s forehead?
17 Cody: Just say no to this, you drug-making midget!
[an explosion occurs]
Cody: Oh my God! I am moving to catering after this!
18 Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin’ on some of Alpa’s as*-water. That’ll bring him around, it’s a cure-all…
19 Four Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that’s what makes him a man. I know a place where a man’s worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore sh**! You wanna make this movie right? That’s where you take your pansy as* actors.
Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy?
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Les, that’s Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman: Wow. You’re a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fu** up and let me do my job!
20 Alpa Chino: Yeah… but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: [using his unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothaf***a! Time to man up. And I ain’t gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?
21 Alpa Chino: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post] What’re you guys doing here?
Cody: He has hands!
Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien!
Cody: Bullsh**!
Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis!
Cody: Almost!
Alpa Chino: What’re you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine.
Cody: Oh, sweet, thank God!
22 Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million… Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the f***ing basta**. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fu** yourself.
23 Jeff Portnoy: So, what’s the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it’s what they’re speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
24 Alpa Chino: [why he’s in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid, that man’s a national treasure.
25 Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they’re pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination between gamers and po**. Now, whichever format por** backs is usually the one that becomes the uh most successful. But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
Kirk Lazarus: You talkin’ to me this whole time?
Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening.
Kirk Lazarus: Jesus Christ, man!
26 Tugg Speedman: Now, let’s go get those Viet Congs.
[using his gun]
Alpa Chino: “Viet Cong!”
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It’s “viet cong.” There’s no “s,” it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses…”
27 Kevin Sandusky: There’s no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we’re gonna make camp, rest up. Y’all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo’! Ha! I’m makin’ some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That’s how we all talk? We all talk like dis, “suh”? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You’re Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.
28 Tran – Flaming Dragon Compound: Where is your farm…
[points a gun at Lazarus]
Tran – Flaming Dragon Compound: …AMERICAN?
Kirk Lazarus: My farm? Here’s my mothaf***in’ farm!
[pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping]
Kirk Lazarus: Kwan lo! I’m a lead farmer!
29 Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging…
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He’s right, you know? I’m NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris…
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] … nor am I Father O’Mallie…
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] … or Neil Armstrong…
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I… I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!
30 Jeff Portnoy: Hey, Radar. Elvins.
Kevin Sandusky: It’s Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy: Kev – whatever the fu**, come over here. I didn’t tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there’s a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you’re just going to have to tough it out.
Jeff Portnoy: Your mother’s a cankerous who**!
Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous who**? I’m sorry, man. I did not mean that. She’s not.
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
