1 Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
Don: Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of ’em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don: What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin’ 12-gauge, what do you think?
2 Napoleon Dynamite: [Feeding the llama scoops of casserole over the fence] Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!… Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
3 Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced… placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
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4 Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon Dynamite: The worst day of my life, what do you think?
5 Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
Deb: What’s a liger?
Napoleon Dynamite: It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.
6 Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb’s milk] I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
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7 Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
8 Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin’ pretty serious.
9 Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
Farmer: Do they have what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
Farmer: I don’t understand a word you just said.
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10 [Napoleon has snuck tator tots out of the lunch room and is eating them during class out of his pants pocket]
Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
Napoleon Dynamite: No, I’m freakin’ starving! I didn’t get to eat *anything* today.
Randy: [Kicks the pocket with the tots, crushing them]
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin’ idiot!
11 Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin’ chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes… *all day*. Besides, we both know that I’m training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
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12 Deb: I’m trying to earn money for college.
Kip: [from the background] Your mom goes to college.
13 [repeated line]
Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh!
14 [first lines]
Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
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15 Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon… you know a lot about… cyberspace? You ever come across anything… like time travel?
Kip: Easy, I’ve already looked into it for myself.
Uncle Rico: Right on… right on.
16 Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
Pedro: It’s a sledgehammer.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs… lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
17 Napoleon Dynamite: What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?
18 Trisha: Hi, is Napoleon there?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
Trisha: Can I talk to him?
Napoleon Dynamite: You already are.
19 Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] So are you guys like Pedro’s cousins with all the sweet hookups?
Cholo No. 1: Simon!
[Mexican slang for “Hell, yeah!”]
20 Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?… Yeah… Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would’ve been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
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21 Kip: So when’s grandma coming back?
Uncle Rico: I don’t know. Not sure.
Napoleon Dynamite: You don’t have to stay here with us, we’re not babies.
Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
Kip: I don’t mind if you stay.
22 Randy: Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.
Bullied Kid: I don’t have any, Randy.
Randy: C’mon, I’ll pay you back.
Bullied Kid: I don’t have…
[Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it]
Randy: I’ll do this to you…
Bullied Kid: Don’t! Stop! Stop! Don’t! Ow. Here, here.
[Randy grabs the money and walks away]
Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon, who’s been watching, walks up to the kid] How’s your neck?
Bullied Kid: Stings.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s too bad.
[Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain]
Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
[Cut to next scene – the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up]
Randy: Hey, let me borrow your bike.
Bullied Kid: No.
Randy: C’mon, I’ll give you some chips.
Bullied Kid: No!
[They continue to struggle over the bike]
Cholo No. 1, Cholo #2: [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has “Vote 4 Pedro” painted on the door. The driver shakes his head ‘no’ with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles]
23 Kip: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m 100% positive she’s my soul mate. Don’t worry Napoleon, I’m sure there’s a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
24 Napoleon Dynamite: [Yelling at the llama] Tina, come get some ham.
Do you want to avoid getting stuck in the friend zone?
25 [Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever… We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom… Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate… I love technology, but not as much as you, you see… But I STILL love technology… Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above… always and forever, always and forever… Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever…
26 Kip: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold] Ow! Ah geez!
Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin’ at my girlfriend’s house?
Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you’re bruisin’ my neck meat!
Napoleon Dynamite: Fine!
[Napoleon releases Kip]
Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doin’? Tryin’ to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin’ idiot?
Kip: I’m out makin’ some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
Napoleon Dynamite: I did?
Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding?
Napoleon Dynamite: A little bit.
27 Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I’d vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you’re really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you’re like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
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