Harvard Can Now Turn You Into Happy Zombie In 20 Minutes

Remember Kubrick’s “Clockwork Orange”? If not, it is a classic sci-fi film in which Alex, the head of teen gangsters, “receives an injection that makes him feel sick while watching graphically violent films, eventually conditioning him to suffer crippling bouts of nausea at the mere thought of violence“.

In today’s world, this technique sounds obsolete. Harvard researchers have created something far more powerful that requires far less effort. They simply put a person inside a machine and its rays make him happy.

You think I smoked some pot and wrote this? I do not smoke pot. Otherwise I would not be writing. I would just be happy all the time. I would be a happy zombie – no offense to pot smokers in any way intended, except for the obvious way of comparing them with happy zombies (who they are). But now you don’t even have to smoke pot.

Now everyone can be a happy zombie, without smoking or doing any drugs.

According to Harvard Gazette, the official publication of Harvard University,

“Individuals with major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder who receive low-field magnetic stimulation (LFMS) show immediate and substantial mood improvement.”

The best part is that they show mood improvement “after the single 20-minute treatment”. Apparently, it may also work on people who do not have these disorders but experience these feelings (after all, anyone can become a zombie). It was not in the original article, but I think it is safe to assume.

You may have objections – like some members of my family always do (because they are zombies) – but so far the scientific community has been very positive about this radically new treatment.

So I predict that very soon depression will be a thing of the past. I also predict that very soon you will be able to get extra-happy while getting drunk: first you become a happy drunk, then you jump into the LFMS machine and it turns you into an extra-happy zombie. Happiness.

Now that you have finished reading this article, I encourage to do something positive and happy. Otherwise, you may have an urge to get drunk, because it probably feels sad that this machine is not yet available and you cannot turn into a zombie, not even a sad one.

If you are thinking about getting drunk, because this machine is not yet available, do not worry. It will soon be. According to Harvard Gazette, “additional research is already underway to find the best parameters for LFMS”.

Happy world at last, or a CIA-invented machine for turning everyone into happy zombies. That’s if you are into conspiracy theories. Or if you are not, you just become a happy zombie.

Roman Marshanski
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