30 Really Funny Random Pictures and Jokes
Check out these totally random funny pictures and jokes to laugh all your worries away!
Writer is most of the time the guy who can neither write nor read.
WRITER: “Just because I’m a writer doesn’t mean I approve of all writers”.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: “Just because I’m a studio executive does not mean I’m gonna read your lousy script.”
Unemployed writer comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man.
He screams: “What the **** are you doing?”
His wife stops having sex and replies: “I’m helping your career. He’s a studio executive.”
The robots will probably adopt that song as their anthem, and they’ll sing it to themselves as they take over the world, crushing humans under their silicone heels. And they will install Cher as their android goddess because, by then, she’ll be mostly plastic and wire anyways.
Q: Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?
A: Because the condom wouldn’t fit over the phone.
Q: What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?
Eve — she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!
Date is either a sweet fruit or activity that is supposed to lead to something sweet and sticky.
GUY#1: “Did you hump that sweet lady?”
GUY#2: “She’s my younger sister.”
GUY#1: “Love conquers all. You should hump her.”
Executive made a date with an actress. Two days later she calls him up and says: “Hey, do you mind if we meet at my home and one of my girlfriends comes over?” “Oh yeah!” – the executive replies. So he comes to her home, and there – in her home – he finds that actress and his wife.
Glove is what you put on if you do maintenance of your wife’s vagina and you’re germophobic.
If you’re under 18 years old and read the definition of glove above, don’t ask your mama about the whereabouts of vagina. If you do, your glove would turn into a shark depicted above and you would never see vagina.
Chris Rock is so funny you can’t make any jokes about him, or God would burn you in hell.
My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. “If they ain’t cutting it off, I ain’t paying.” She would say, “The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they’ll come and tap on your window.” Her whole philosophy of life was: if you die owing money, then you’ve won.
George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra…anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!”
Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
You dad’s like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!
What do you call a cow murder mystery? A moo-done-it.
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don’t have Windows.
When you don’t have an education, you’ve got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
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