45 Funny Political Jokes + Politically Incorrect Jokes
Check out these funny political jokes we have found for you. We did our best to bring you only the best ones. Most of them are politically incorrect, so you will definitely enjoy them. These politically incorrect jokes make fun of all the politicians you love to hate: George Bush, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, and everyone in between. They include some of the best Bill Clinton jokes, not to mention Monica Lewinsky jokes.
1. If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
3. On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”
4. A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
5. A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. “No charge, Father,” the barber said. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. “No charge,” the barber replied. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
6. Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. An hour later, with the politician still talking, another man joined them. “Is he still talking?” they asked him. “Yes.” another man answered. “What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know. He’s still introducing himself.”
Featured Funny Video – Politics
7. A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Blood and glass were everywhere. A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help: he dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive. He thought he did his country a good service.
George Bush Jokes
8. George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra…anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!” Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger)
9. A local council debate was becoming increasingly heated. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns. As the politicians started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other: “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?” “No.” admitted the other. “Well,” said the first triumphantly, “if you attended more council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.” Furious and wanting to do the damage, the opponent responded: “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?” “No.” said the first, and then asked: “Who is he?” “Well,” said the second. “if you attended fewer council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s been sleeping with your wife.”
10. Politician got a bribe of five hundred thousand dollars. When he brought it home, his wife asked him: “Where did you get this money, honey?” He answered: “If somebody asks, that’s the money your grandma left us.”
Funny Obama Jokes
11. I called Obama the other day. I said: “Obama, the people are happy with you. They are saying: ‘if not for him, we’d be where the third world is.'” Obama laughed and said: “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get there soon.”
12. What’s the difference between Bush and Obama? The same one as between a retard and a mildly retarded imbecile.
13. I asked Obama: “Why did you get a Nobel Prize?” He said: “I don’t know. I’m afraid they’ll take it back.”
14. The unreleased papers of Edward Snowden show the complex process by which Obama came up with his laws: he smoked a lot of pot.
15. After death, Obama tricks God into letting him to heaven. There, he meets Edward Snowden. He says to Edward: “It’s nice to see you Edward. I know you feel grateful I saved you from Russians.”
16. Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
17. Q: Why did President Obama get two terms? A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
18. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A: Senator.
19. Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.
20. We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
21. A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
22. “Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president ‘as soon as possible.’ So even she has had enough of President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
Bill Clinton Jokes
23. When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, “Not again.”
24. Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked if he used protection? A: Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door.
25. Q. How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.
26. Q. Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course.
27. Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, “How was your night in Hell?” “Very educational,” responded the Pope. “I’ve learned a lot from the experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to Heaven. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.” “Ooh, sorry,” said Clinton, “you should have been there yesterday.”
28. Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled. Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?” Clinton: “You leave Hillary out of this!”
29. Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?
30. Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A: She wants to be the first lady.
31. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” exclaims the President.
“It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?”
“Just go ahead and pay it.”
Monica Lewinsky Jokes
32. Q: How did we know that Monica would testify? A: Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.
33. Q. What is Lewinsky’s code name in the FBI? A: Deep Throat.
34. A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?” He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?” He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.” There is a pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?”
35. One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. Then George W. Bush and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. The pope says to the men, “I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings.” The pope packs off and drives out of site. Bush asks, “Who was that?” “That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. Leader of the Catholic Church,” says Cheney. Bush says, “Well that’s all neat and fine, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?”
Politically Incorrect Jokes
36. The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our own money.
37. “Politics” is derived from the words “poly” meaning “many”, and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.” – published by user of Urban Dictionary – first said by Larry Hardiman.
38. Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden celebratory drink? It’s two shots and a splash of water.
39. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. – Doug Larson
40. Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton’s inaugural ball.
After looking around, Kirk said: “Beam up, Scot. There’s no intelligent life on this one.”
41. On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing. – Alexis de Toqueville
42. Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
“What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
43. Do not steal – the government does not like competitors.
44. Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.”
45. Q: What’s the difference between a magician and a politician?
A: The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.
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