14 Best ‘Walks Into A Bar’ Jokes

If you are visiting our site from iPhone or iPad...

Download our awesome iOS app from Apple App Store while it's free. It's free for a limited time only.

Jesus-walks-into-a-bar

Laugh at 10 Best Walks Into A Bar Jokes we have found for you. They are the best Internet has to offer. You will laugh.

1. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

2. So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you’ve never seen before?”
The bartender says, “sure, but it’d better be good.”
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, “Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer.”
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, “hey, if I show you something else amazing that you’ve never seen before, will you give me another free beer?”
“If it’s as amazing as the hamster, sure,” the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says “Holy shit, a singing frog! I’ll give you $200 for that frog.”
The first man says “Deal!” and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, “not that it’s my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven’s sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it.”
The man says, “nah, don’t worry. The hamster’s also a ventriloquist.”

3. A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00”
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”

4. An Irishman walks into a bar and orders two pints of beer. The bartender says he can only serve drinks one at a time.
The Irishman replies “See, here’s the thing. I grew up on a farm in Ireland with my brother, and every day after we were done working we’d go to the pub for a pint together. One day our father passed away and left us the farm, but it wasn’t big enough to support both of us and our families, so we decided that since I was the younger brother I’d go to America to seek my fame and fortune. However we also agreed that at the end of the day we’d go into the local pub and each have two pints, one for us and one for our brother across the pond.”
The bartender decides to go ahead and serve him the two pints. The Irishman drinks them both, pays and leaves. This goes on for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders a single pint.
The bartender brings him the pint and asks “Is your brother OK?”
The Irishman replies “Oh, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking.”

5. A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.
“If you know what’s good for you, don’t come near me again, or I’ll rip off your little tallywagger,” yells the mean-looking guy.
After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.
“All right, I’ve got you this time. I warned you — now I’m gonna rip off your little tallywagger!”
The leprechaun laughs, “You can’t do that.”
“Why not?” asks his captor.
“Because,” giggles the leprechaun, “leprechauns don’t have tallywaggers.”
“Whadda ya mean you don’t have a tallywagger?” growls the angry man, “How in the hell do you pee?”
“Just like this,” laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.

6. A redheaded man walks into a bar and sits next to another redheaded man. He orders a Guinness, and the 2nd redheaded man turns to him. “I’m guessing from that accent you’re from Dublin?” he asks, in an Irish brogue. “Of course!” the 1st guy exclaims, “here, bartender, get this guy a Guinness, too.” Their exchange continues:
1st: Lemme ask you, what street did you grow up on?
2nd: St. Catherine Street. And you?
1st: St. Catherine Street, same as you!
2nd: Here, bartender, get this guy a Jameson! What school did you go to?
1st: St. Jospeh’s Boy’s Academy.
2nd: Son of a bitch, I went to St. Joe’s too! Bartender, get this guy a Jameson!
This continues, and as they find they had the same teachers and knew the same neighborhood kids, they proceed to get louder and drunker until a guy at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, “What’s up with those two?” The bartender shrugs and says, “It’s the O’Shaughnessy twins, they’re drunk again.”

7. A dwarf walks under a bar.

8. An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy’s head is the size of a cue ball. “I got to ask, sir,” says the bartender. “What happened?” The old guy sighs and tells him, “My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “Then what happened?”
“Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head… .”

9. A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

10. A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says: “We don’t serve poultry.” The chicken says: “That’s OK. I just want a drink.”

11. A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!" The panda yells back, “Hey man, I’m a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, “A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

12. A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, “TGIF!” The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, “SPIT!” The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again “TGIF!” Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, “SPIT!” This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, “Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?” and the cowboy replies, “Hell ya I know what it means, ‘Thank God It’s Friday!'” The bartender asks the Mexican guy, “Okay, so what does ‘SPIT’ mean?” and the Mexican replies, “Stupid Pendejo It’s Thursday!”

13. A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

14. A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into the bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

hiding-from-wife-bar-phone-rates

 

Liked this page?

Then why not get our iOS app from Apple App Store? Then you will have the world's biggest collection of jokes and inspiring quotes right in your pocket, and the app will work faster than the site, so it will save you time and keep you entertained.

Roman Marshanski

Roman Marshanski

This post has been created by Roman Marshanski, the founder of this site.
He loves film, comedy, innovation, Web Development, and pretty girls.
If you also like pretty girls - or are one - follow him on social media.
Roman Marshanski