“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute calculus student?”
“She is no longer my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”
“I don’t believe that she cheated on you.”
“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns.”
2 The Guy Who Knew Calculus
A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: “I’ll integrate you! I’ll differentiate you!” So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: “Aren’t you scared, I’ll integrate you, I’ll differentiate you!” And the other guy says: “No, I am not scared, I am e^x.”
Short Calculus Jokes
3 What is purple and commutative? An abelian grape.
4 What is the first derivative of a cow? Prime Rib!
5 What did Al Gore play on his guitar? An Algorithm.
6 Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably.
7 What wild animal is good at calculus? The tangent lion.
8 What’s the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)? A natural log cabin!
9 What’s yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. Zorn’s Lemon.
10 What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe? Zero.
11 What is polite and works for the phone company? A deferential operator.
12 What is the integral of log cabin d cabin? Log Cabin + sea = houseboat.
13 What did the calculator say to the calculus student? You can count on me.
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14 Why was the parent function upset with its child? It was stretched to its limit.
15 What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. Elephant zebra sin theta.
16 Why do they never serve beer at a math party? Because you can’t drink and derive.
17 Why was the function so bent out of shape? Its regression model was too tight a fit.
18 Why wont Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it? It’s too cubed.
19 Joke About Constipated Calculus Teacher
Have you heard about the constipated calculus teacher? He worked it out with a pencil.
20 What did one calculus textbook say to the other? Don’t bother me. I’ve got my own problems.
21 Why was the calculus teacher bad at baseball? He was better at fitting curves than hitting them.
22 What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job? “Paper or plastic?”
23 How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children? “I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”
24 Why did the calculus students throw bottles of hand cream across the classroom? They were investigating projectile lotion.
25 Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don’t need the sun.
26 Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? That’s the Law of Spline Demand.
27 Four Friends Taking Calculus Exam
Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm.
So, when it’s time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend’s birthday party in another city – even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning.
As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor’s office and offer him an explanation: “We went to our friend’s birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on back roads, it took hours until we got help.”
The professor nods sympathetically and says: “I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning.”
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question – five points out of one hundred – is a simple exercise in calculus, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one: Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
28 Joke About Differential Calculus
Someone released a set of supplementary notes on a textbook about differential calculus. It was a derivative work.
29 Tax On The Mathematically Ignorant
I’ve heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically ignorant. Funny, I thought that’s what the lottery was.
30 Two Calculus Professors And One Bartender
Two calculus professors are sitting in a bar.
One says: “I am so disappointed in people nowadays. Hardly anyone understands calculus properly.”
The other one says: “I think you are way too hard on people. You are too pessimistic.”
The first professor says: “Whatever, I’m going to the bathroom.”
The remaining professor calls over the pretty blonde bartender and says: “When I call you over next time and ask you a question, answer with x-cubed divided by 3.”
The bartender asks: “Uh, what?”
The professor says: “Repeat after me: ‘x-cubed divided by 3.'” She repeats.
The other professor comes back from the bathroom.
The optimistic professor says to him: “Your statement has really upset me. Look, I bet I can prove that an ordinary working girl knows high level calculus.”
The other professor says: “Alright, prove it to me.”
The first professor calls over the blonde bartender and says: “Alright, what is the integral of x-squared?”
The bartender answers: “x-cubed divided by 3.”
As she walks away, the other professor is all amazed. Suddenly the bartender turns around and yells: “Plus the constant of integration!”
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