20 Funny Scottish Jokes

Funny Scottish Jokes About Englishmen

Laugh at really funny Scottish jokes. We did our best to bring you only the best ones.

1. Scottish Father-In-Law

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

2. Sentimental Value Scottish Style

A Scottish newspaper ad: “Lost a £5 note. Sentimental value.”

3. Funny Scottish Joke About Playing The Bagpipes

“How’s the flat you’re living in in London, Jock?” asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

“It’s okay,” he replies, “but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.”

“Never you mind,” says his mother, “don’t you let them get to you, just ignore them.”

“Aye, that I do,” he says, “I just keep playing my bagpipes.”

4. Joke About Scotsmen And Their Animals

One Scottish guy points out the bar window to his farm across the street, and asks his friend, “For two hundred dollars, would you have sex with a cow?” They argue for a while about the nature of ethics, the value of comedy, and the animal capacity for things like consent and love. Eventually the farmer’s friend is more or less persuaded, but he lays out three conditions:

“First, no kissing on the lips.”

“Sure.”

“Second, any children arising as a result of this coupling are the sole responsibility of the cow and/or the farmer who owns her.”

“That’s me, mate. I don’t think you’ve had enough to drink, but sure, your second condition is fine. And the last?”

“I’ll need a couple weeks to come up with the two hundred dollars.”

5. Lecherous Scotsman

Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? …. He sold her four of them.

6. Scotsman On An Airplane

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.

“I’ll give you an airplane ride for £5,” said the pilot.

“Sorry, cannae afford it,” replied Jock.

“Tell you what,” said the pilot, “I’ll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it’ll be £10.”

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, “Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!”

“Aye,” said Jock “But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!”

7. Funny Scottish Joke About Ear Muffs

Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, ‘Didn’t you like the earmuffs I gave you?’ Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, ‘Och, they are a wondrous thing.’

‘Then why don’t you wear them then?’

Archie explained, ‘I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I did not hear him.’

8. Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’

She replied, ‘Awe Iain that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’

‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m out.’

9. Scottish Guy Mourns For His Wife

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, “Janet died.”

The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: “Janet died, Toyota for sale.”

10. Scotsman Goes To Dentist

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.

“85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.

“85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”

“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.

“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”

“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off.”

“Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?”

“I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds.”

“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?”

“It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic.”

“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”

11. Scottish Terrier Joke: Couldn’t Spit It Out

Jock walks into a bar one day and stammers, ‘Does anyone here own that South Doberman Pinschers outside?’

‘Yeah, I do,’ a tattooed biker says, standing up. ‘What about it?’

“Well, I think my little scotty terrier just killed him.’

‘What are you talkin’ about?’ the biker says, disbelievingly. ‘How could your little runt kill my Doberman?’

‘Well,’ mumbled Jock, ‘it appears that he got stuck in your dog’s throat.’

12. Scottish Guy Drops A Bottle Of Whiskey

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said,”Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!”

13. Scottish Football Humor

After last night’s game between England and Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Trafalgar Square by Scottish football fans. Both of them have been arrested.

14. Scots In Dry Cleaners

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.

Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, “Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair”.

Jock said to his pal, “Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I’ll put on my best London accent”.

“OK Jock, I’ll keep me mouth shut” said Jimmy

They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, “Hello my good man. I’ll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I’ll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!

The owner of the shop said quietly, “You’re from Scotland, aren’t you?”

“Well yes,” said a surprised Jock. “What gave it away?”

The owner replied, “This is a dry-cleaners……..” !

15. Scotsman Trying To Join The Police

Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join the New York City police force.

The inspector glared at him and asked, ‘How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?’

‘Well,’ replied Alisdair thoughtfully, ‘I’m no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.’

16. Scotsmen Vs. Light Bulb

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It’s no that dark!

17. The Part Of Scottish Husband

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” says the mother. “What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Scottish husband!”

The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.

18. Scotsman’s Car

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, “How much land do you have here?”

“About two acres” Jock replies.

“You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !” the American boasts.

“Aye”, says Jock ” I once had a car like that.”

19. Scottish Church

Hamish McHarg, a Scottish minister, was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings.

One of his parishioners gave, but had a distinctly stingy attitude when parting with his money without receiving something in return.

As he put the gift away, Hamish commented dryly, ‘Tha Good Book says tha Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o’ Scotland canna be so choosy.’

20. Scottish Auction

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!”

Funny Scottish Jokes For Tourists
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Related Links You May Enjoy:
1. ScotlandVacations.com: Scottish Humor
2. Guy-Sports.com: Funny Scottish Jokes
3. BuzzFeed: 13 Jokes Only Scottish People Will Laugh At

 

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Roman Marshanski

Roman Marshanski

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