1 “You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?”
2 “What use is an unloaded gun?”
3 “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
4 “A wrong decision is better than indecision.”
5 “If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.”
6 “Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman’s Sampler?”
Funny Tony Soprano Quotes
7 “I wipe my a** with your feelings.”
8 “I’m like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to sh**.”
9 “There’s an old Italian saying: you fu** up once, you lose two teeth.”
10 [the dean of a college that Meadow is applying to is asking Tony for a $50,000 donation]
Carmela Soprano: I think you should pay him, Tony.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: No fu**ing way!
Carmela Soprano: What, your daughter’s future isn’t worth 50,000 dollars?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: That’s not it. That motherfu**er’s full of sh**. He’s shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano: No, he’s not.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
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11 Speaking to his wife, Carmela: “You’re only religious when it suits you.”
12 Speaking again to Dr. Melfi: “The things I take pleasure in, I can’t do.”
13 Dr. Jennifer Melfi: “What line of work are you in?” Tony Soprano: “Waste management consultant.”
14 In series one, epsiode five: “My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself.”
15 Referring to his mother’s involvement in a plot to kill him: “What kind of person can I be, where his own mother wants him dead?”
16 Summing up the root of the problems between him and his Uncle June at the end of season one: “Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this”.
17 Speaking to Christopher Moltisanti, the cousin of Tony Soprano’s wife and part of his inner circle: “Blood. You’re going to lead this family into the 21st century.”
18 Tony Soprano Quotes About His Grandmother
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher Moltisanti: Get the fu** out of here.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: No, it’s true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher Moltisanti: Oh, yeah?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said “Where the Fakawee?”
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19 “Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?… I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the sh** out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: How’d that make you feel?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi: Giving the beating or taking it?
20 During the pilot episode: “It’s good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that and I know. But lately, I’m getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over.”
21 In response to Dr. Melfi’s question, after he threatens to smash her face during a therapy session: “Is this a woman thing? You ask me how I’m feeling. I tell you how I’m feeling, and now you’re going to torture me with it.”
22 Speaking to Silvio: “All due respect, you got no f—–g idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other f—–g thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”
23 “Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: You’re looking good. Looking better.
Corrado Erico ‘Uncle Junior’ Soprano: Tony, if you’re gonna lie to me, tell me there’s a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Hey, You want that, it’s a phone call away.”
24 “Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When’s it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We’re trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a… a little kick-start.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: Why don’t you kick me in the fu**in’ head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know what you’re going through must be painful.
Anthony ‘Tony’ Soprano Sr.: This isn’t painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This sh** isn’t painful. It’s empty… dead.”
25 Talking to his psychiatrist: “We’re soldiers. Soldiers don’t go to hell. It’s war. Soldiers kill other soldiers. We’re in a situation where everyone involved knows the stakes and if you are going to accept those stakes, you’ve got to do certain things. It’s business.”
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
