I will be honest with you. This is actually the best travel story you will find on this page. But if you have anything as good – or even half as good – submit it at the bottom of this page. It can be either a travel joke or a funny, travel-related picture.
Travel Jokes Definitions
Travel is what you do to get away from your wife.
Business Travel is one excuse that you can give your wife to go on vacation with your mistress.
Study Travel is when you want to travel and don’t want to study.
Funny Travel Stories: Short Ones
A man on holiday in Spain thought he would email his sister back in England. But he made a typo, so instead of sending it to Joan Foster, he sent it to Jean Foster, the wife of a recently deceased priest. When she read it, she fainted. It read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”
Doing the rounds of his barns in a remote country area, a farmer came across a parachutist who had landed in hay. “What happened?” asked the farmer. “My chute failed to open.” replied parachutist. “Ah, well, if you’d asked the locals before making your jump, you would’ve known that nothing around here opens on a Sunday.”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?” The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
Children in the backseat can cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
An airplane was already virtually full and in danger of exceeding its baggage allowance when a last-minute passenger asked for the one remaining ticket. The clerk was unsure whether to give the passenger a ticket, so he asked him: “Do you mind me asking how much your weigh?” “With or without the clothes?” asked the passenger. “Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”
After crawling along at a pitifully slow pace for miles, a passenger train finally stopped. Seeing the guard walking along the track, a passenger leaned out the window and asked: “What’s going on?” “There’s a cow on the track,” replied the guard. Ten minutes later, the train moved off and resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes it had stopped again. The passenger saw the same guard walking past outside once more and asked him: “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”
Funny Travel Stories: Long Ones
Save the Dead Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. “I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: “Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”
Sister: “Oh, we just got off of highway 119.”
Working On The Road
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government, ” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
Funny Travel Jokes
The husband and wife were traveling on holiday in Scotland. As they approached Kirkcudbright, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. The argument raged until they stopped for lunch. As they stood in the restaurant, the husband asked the guy behind the counter: “Can you please settle an argument between me and my wife? How do you pronounce where we are in?” The guy leaned over the counter and said: “Burrr… gerrr… kiiing.”
It was mealtime on a small budget airline. So the flight attendant asked one of the passengers: “Would you like dinner?” The passenger replied: “What are my choices?” The flight attendant answered: “Yes or no. All other options have been eliminated due to budget cuts.”
A big train was traveling across the country. After a while the first engine broke down. The driver continued at half-power, but then the other engine failed and the train came to a standstill. Speaking over the intercom, the driver told the passengers: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed and we will be stuck here. The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of an airplane.”
A husband and wife were relaxing on the beach. Then the wife exclaimed: “Oh my God! I’ve just remembered I left the oven on!” The husband replied: “Don’t worry about it. I’ve just remembered I left the bath running.”
Jack said to his friend Bob: “I’m ready for a vacation. But this year I’m going to do it a little differently. The last few years I’ve taken your advice about where to go. Three years ago you told me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Susan got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to Italy, and Susan got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Spain, and guess what? Susan got pregnant again!” Bob asked: “So what are you going to do differently this year?” Jack replied: “This year I’m taking Susan with me.”
A group of tourists were trapped by an avalanche in Switzerland. After three hours, a Saint Bernard arrived with a keg of brandy tied under its chin. “Hooray!” cried one of the tourists. “Here comes man’s best friend!” “Yes,” said another. “And look at the size of the dog that’s bringing it!”
An elderly woman from the country was visiting the big city for the first time. She checked in at the hotel and let the porter take her bags. She followed him in. But as the door closed, her face fell. “Young man," she said to him. “I may be old, but I’m not retarded. I paid a lot of money for this room, but it’s nothing like I expected. It’s too small and there’s no air conditioning. There’s not even a bed here!" Porter replied: “This isn’t your room. This is the lift."
Featured Funny Video – Air Travel Jokes
Funny Travel Quotes
“People come back from flights and tell you a story like it’s a horror story. They act like their flight was like a cattle car in the 1940s in Germany. That’s how bad they make it sound. They’re like, ‘It was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.’ Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?’” — Louis C.K.
“Airline food is the tiniest food I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Any kind of meat that you get — chicken, steak, anything — has grill marks on each side, like somehow we’ll actually believe there’s an open-flame grill in the front of the plane.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo." — Al Gore
Left By Tourists
In US Forest Service Suggestion Boxes
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.
It’s very hard to walk uphill, so please put an escalator near each uphill road.
I wish this forest had public restrooms.
We request technology that would allow this forest to communicate with Instagram.
This forest needs to have an iPhone charger put under each tree.
Some annoying animal came into my camp last night and stole my bag of peanuts. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
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This post has been created by Roman Marshanski, the founder of this site. He loves film, comedy, and innovative technology. He believes in bringing about positive change to the world through good-natured humor and innovative technology. If you enjoyed reading this page, follow him on Google+ or Pinterest for more awesome content.