From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
Dead On Christmas Eve
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in," he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells." He’s allowed in too.
“So," Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.
Short Christmas Jokes
These are the best short Christmas jokes from all over the Web.
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? A: Twerky.
Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.
Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A wrapper!
Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast? A: “Rain, dear."
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up? A: It doesn’t have legs.
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping? A: Santa Jaws.
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe.
Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? A: RUDEolph.
Q: What is the best work union in the world? A: The rein deer union. A: Full pay, food, housing and only need to work one night a year.
Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? A: This will sleigh you.
Q: Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party? A: Because he didn’t want to be recognized.
For Christmas, I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweater with a bull’s-eye on the back.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.
Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?
Part-Time Christmas Work
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Christmas Joke: There’s A Fly In My Champagne
A multinational company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of Champagne, but on inspection each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
The Swede asked for new Champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new Champagne in a new glass.
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the Champagne.
The Russian drank the Champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the Champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the Champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the Champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman.
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted: “Now spit out all that you swallowed!”
Misplaced Christmas Service
A pastor I know of uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace" command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.
Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary" and replace it with “Edna." The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ," they read from the printed program, “born of the Virgin Edna."
Mistletoe Joke: Kissing Under The Mistletoe
Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section: ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland?’
The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said: ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter’.
‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 meters’.
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.
She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas trees and said: ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said: ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
‘No, madam,’ he replied, ‘They’re all dead.’
What A Boy Wants For Christmas
David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’
‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.
‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’
Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’
Boy’s Truthful Prayer For Christmas Meal
Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited … and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”
Christmas Shopping A Little Early
It was just before Christmas, and the jailer was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’
The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.
‘That’s no crime’, said the jailer. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’
‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.
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