Marriage is when the grass at your neighbor’s house seems greener, though the neighbor’s house is a jailhouse.
Marriage is when you want to get married to your ugly sister, even though you are already married to her annoying girlfriend.
Marriage is when your child asks: “Daddy, why should I use condoms?”
Marriage is when you are about to get divorced but can’t yet say it.
My Father About Marriage
My father likes to say: “You’re a failure. At your age I was already married and twice divorced. To get started you should at least get married to some ugly, fat woman.”
Why Marriage is Difficult
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” Richard Pryor
Madman About Marriage
When I got married, I realized that some women have holes between their legs.
How I Got Married
“How did I get married to her? I drank too much and woke up in a wrong place.”
Dog Helper
Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, “You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour.” Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, “Better take the dog with you.”
What Your Wife Really Thinks Of You
“Well, I sure am glad I did not get married to his brother.”
Courage to Divorce
“Are you still married?”
“I am.”
“The last time we met you said you’d divorce her.”
“The last time we met was only five years ago.”
“So?”
“I am still trying to find the courage. And truth be told, suicide seems more appealing.”
Random Marriage Jokes
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
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