5 Reasons Why You Secretly Want To Be A Murderous Villain

Friedrich Nietzsche suggests that the qualifier good ‘does not emanate from those to whom goodness is shown!‘ History will show, and has shown, that the ‘good’ have always been those who conquer, screw over, and suppress. If you keep this in mind, like I do because I’m a sociopath, it makes sense to say our idea of good is bad and that we should be doing more bad things. It’s what comes natural anyway.

#5 You Can Always Be a Dick!

You know one thing people will always expect of you when you’re bad? To keep being bad! You don’t have to pick and choose which moments to be nice and which to not be. You don’t have to one day get up and pretend like you care about something, like most of us who sometimes care about things do; if you’re bad, you can continue not caring about crap you don’t care about and nobody will be surprised!

I mean, you’ve gotta admit, sometimes you don’t want to keep talking about starving children or immigrants tripped by news reporters. Sometimes you just wanna talk about minor, minuscule nonsense, like how silly your boss’ stupid face is. And how dare he wear that tie when you know he’s using it to hide some rash he probably got from Dumpster diving for romance? Or why doesn’t he call you back since it’s been three days already, and shouldn’t someone have taught him better? Yeah, I could think of a million examples of things I’d love to gripe about that aren’t important and other people should listen to.

#4 You Will Always Have a Better Comeback

Most of the best comics are mean. How did it get that way? They started making better jokes than other jokesters…or maybe they stole. Either way, harsh. Many were bullied, had to either fight or run, chose to joke (Exhibit C, entered into evidence after the jury left), and got the crowd on their side. To make a joke about someone is, in itself, bad, as you really don’t know how someone will take the jibe anyway.

I feel good and bad about upcoming generations. Good because the world is becoming more tolerant and bullying is now a majorly monitored issue—and if kids perpetually have to go through the horribleness that their predecessors had to experience, well, there’s not much hope for humanity, and the world is always going to be terrible. Bad because there won’t be bullied children.

Some of the best jokes I’ve ever heard come from a place of torture and strife, and yes, bullying…and none of these kids will have to deal with that, so jokes in the future will be mad lame.

#3 We Are Egotistical as Hell!

As I write this to you, I personally hope it will go viral, breaking the Internet a million times over, catapulting me to a point far above anything you’ve ever heard of, somewhere over that Chocolate Rain cloud, and into a thunderstorm of Annoying Oranges, Gangnam Styles, and blogs about Beyonce vs. Zombies. Realistic, right? Sure.

Even if we’d rather not admit it, we’ve all got some Kanye riding around doing donuts across the tops of our heads. Many of us hide our little Ye well, but it’s this denial that makes us limp along through our day as we get blasted by hard blows to our confidence either by magazines glorifying everything that we are not but should be, or by our mediocre job that we know we’re too good to be doing. These are things we know.

We, as humans, want our egos fed. We may dislike each and every Kardashian, but who wouldn’t, if given the chance, trade places with the most vainglorious of the crew just to be acknowledged?

If you believe Sigmund Freud (and I do, on most things, but not too much because how much can you really trust a person who used to bump cocaine), then you are in favor of the belief that we are extremely self-serving, and are inherently selfish. And everything should be about us anyway, right? Which brings me to my next point.

#2 There’s Money to be Made…

As you sit or stand reading this, pretending to be pissed off at all the things I’ve just said that completely describe you, Kim Davis is still working, and making additional bucks off of denying a gay couple their 14th Amendment right to marriage via interviews and media appearances. Shouldn’t you be getting paid for the crappiest things you’ve done?

Donald Trump made a stupid amount of money on The Apprentice. But even before that, he was a cannibalistic real estate mogul. He even created a ‘university’ called Trump U wherein more than 5,000 people spent $40 million to learn the ways of a master manipulator. Courses were hyped by saying Trump would show up himself at some point. Trump has even made as much as $1.5 million per speech. You really gotta hand it to this guy…I mean, he knows how to make money. You gotta hand him a stick of dynamite with a short, lit fuse too.

#1 Fame or Infamy

Did you know Alfred Nobel created dynamite? True story. He got famous for his inventions way before he created the prize for his namesake. Then he got famous-er for being a humanitarian. But lest we forget he created dynamite…freaking dynamite! Dynamite, dynamite, dynamite! Precursor to grenades, and bigger, and bigger bombs, like, you guessed it, atomic ones. Dynamite. Next time you hear about somebody winning the Nobel Prize, remember that before there was that prize, there was…dynamite.

How boring would Batman be if he didn’t have The Joker? Batman, when considered from Carl Jung’s perspective, is our healthy answer to confrontation with our shadows, or the side of ourselves we desperately need to hide from society. While The Joker is our desire to let our hair down, dye it green, do twenty shots of tequila, slap the mailman with a UPS package, try to rob a doctor at rubber-chicken-point for his entire hidden stash of Vicodin (because you always assume doctors will be the fun, misanthropic House-type), and crash and burn on a coffee table in Tucson, Arizona, after NYC wasn’t enough for you.

So, whether you’re hated and become famous for that, or you’re hated even more, and become infamous, one thing’s for certain: It can really turn out well for you in the history books. Just ask Bin Laden, Tanya Harding, or the writers of Lost after season 6. Go on, let your evil out! (This writer does not condone the intentional act of violence, malfeasance, or maliciousness wherein the reader is a harm to self or others and gets caught. Come on, you weirdos! He might be implicated!)

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