Woody Allen Quotes
Enjoy the best Woody Allen quotes on life. Quotes by Woody Allen, American Director.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I don’t know the question, but s** is definitely the answer.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
I am two with nature.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an org**m!
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Bis**uality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.
I don’t have to ‘freedom-kiss’ my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
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