Bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Check out our awesome collection of Funny Money Quotes
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead. Check out our awesome collection of President Jokes
Bob Hope’s Joke about the great number of Democrats running for president in 1988: “The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They’re all running for the presidency.”
Bing Crosby and I weren’t the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Bing, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.” And that’s the way we go through life – doing nothing for each other!
I have too much money invested in sweaters.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don’t worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.
They’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood. Check out our awesome collection of funny Hollywood Jokes
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
Television. That’s where movies go when they die.
If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’
The Scottish caddies are great. One old fellow at St. Andrews told me, “I had a golfer who was so lousy he threw his clubs into the water. Then he dived in himself. I thought he was going to drown, but I remembered he couldn’t keep his head down long enough. Check out our awesome collection of Funny Scottish Jokes
I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
Bing (Crosby) always said my swing looked like Grandma Moses trying to keep warm.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.
(Arnold Palmer) told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score – skip one of the par 3s.
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Golf is a funny game. It’s done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I’m the healthiest idiot in the world.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? Check out our awesome collection of Funny Christmas Quotes
If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
You’ve got to be rich to have a swing like that.
The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.
Continue reading these funny Bob Hope Quotes
I like to play in the low 70’s. If it gets any hotter than that I’ll stay in the bar!
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. Check out our awesome collection of Funny Religious Jokes
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.
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