1 Tony Montana: In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.
2 Tony Montana: You know what capitalism is? Getting f***ed!
3 Tony Montana: [to Sosa’s assassins] I’m Tony Montana! You fu** with me, you fu**in’ with the best!
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4 Tony Montana: I never fu**ed anybody over in my life didn’t have it coming to them. You got that? All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one. Do you understand? That piece of sh** up there, I never liked him, I never trusted him. For all I know he had me set up and had my friend Angel Fernandez killed. But that’s history. I’m here, he’s not. Do you wanna go on with me, you say it. You don’t, then you make a move.
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5 Tony Montana: The only thing in this world that gives orders is balls.
6 Tony Montana: I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.
7 Tony Montana: What you lookin’ at? You all a bunch of fu**in’ a***oles. You know why? You don’t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fu**in’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So… what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don’t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There’s a bad guy comin’ through! Better get outta his way!
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8 Tony Montana: You wanna fu** with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!
[Tony shoots]
9 Tony Montana: Hey baby what is your problem? Huh, you got a problem? You’re good looking, you got a beautiful body, beautiful legs, beautiful face, all these guys in love with you. Only you got a look in your eye like you haven’t been fu**ed in a year!
Elvira: Hey, Jose. Who, why, when, and how I fu** is none of your business, okay?
10 Immigration Officer #2: So where’s your old man now?
Tony Montana: He dead. He die. Sometime. Somewhere.
Immigration Officer #2: Mother?
Tony Montana: She dead too.
Immigration Officer #1: What kind of work you do in Cuba, Tony?
Tony Montana: Ah, you know, things. I was, uh – This, that. Construction business. I work a lot with my hands. I was in the army.
Immigration Officer #1: Any family in the States, Tony? Any cousins, brother-in-law, anybody?
Tony Montana: Nobody. Everybody’s dead.
Immigration Officer #1: You ever been to jail, Tony?
Tony Montana: Me? Jail? No way. No.
Immigration Officer #1: Been in a mental hospital?
Tony Montana: Oh, yeah. On the boat coming over.
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11 Tony Montana: You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He’s the best lawyer in Miami. He’s such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.
12 Tony Montana: The World Is Yours!
13 Tony Montana: Is this it? That’s what it’s all about, Manny? Eating, drinking, fu**ing, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You’re 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got ti**, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it, and you’re eating this fu**in’ sh**, looking like these rich fu**ing mummies in here… Look at that. A junkie. I got a fu**in’ junkie for a wife. She don’t eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won’t fu** me ’cause she’s in a coma. I can’t even have a kid with her, Manny. Her womb is so polluted, I can’t even have a fu**in’ little baby with her!
14 Frank Lopez: Tony, don’t kill me, please!
Tony Montana: I ain’t gonna kill you.
Frank Lopez: Oh Christ, thank you! Thank you!
Tony Montana: [Tony looks at Manny] Manolo, shoot that piece of sh**!
15 Tony Montana: Bet you feel good, huh? Bet you feel good to kill a mother and her kids, huh, bet you feel *big*…
Alberto The Shadow: Shut your mouth!
Tony Montana: …Like, you big man. Well fu** you. What do you think I am? You think I’d kill two kids and a woman? Fu** that! I don’t need that sh** in my life.
[Alberto reaches for detonator’s button]
Tony Montana: You die motherfu**er!
[Tony shoots him in the head]
Tony Montana: What’d you think of that, huh? What you think, I’m a fu**ing worm like you? I told you, man, I told you! Don’t fu** with me! I told you, no fu**ing kids! No, but you wouldn’t listen, why, you stupid fu**, look at you now.
16 Tony Montana: Okay Sosa; You wanna fu** with me? You fu**ing with the best! You wanna fu** with me? Okay. You little cockroaches… come on. You wanna play games? Okay, I play with you; come on. Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!
17 Tony Montana: Who put this thing together? Me, that’s who! Who do I trust? Me!
18 [last lines]
Tony Montana: Go ahead! I take your fu**ing bullets! You think you kill me with bullets? I take your fu**ing bullets! Go ahead!
19 Tony Montana: Me, I want what’s coming to me.
Manny: Oh, well what’s coming to you?
Tony Montana: The world, chico, and everything in it.
20 Bernstein: Every day above ground is a good day.
21 Hector the Toad: You want to give me the cash, or do I kill your brother first, before I kill you?
Tony Montana: Why don’t you try sticking your head up your a**? See if it fits.
22 Frank Lopez: Lesson number one: Don’t underestimate the other guy’s greed!
[laughing]
Elvira Hancock: Lesson number two: Don’t get high on your own supply.
23 Tony Montana: [turning to Bernstein] Every dog has his day.
24 Tony Montana: You know what? Fu** you! How about that?
25 Tony Montana: This is paradise, I’m tellin’ ya. This town like a great big pu*** just waiting to get fu**ed.
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
