The Dude: Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to face the fact you’re a go**amn moron.
2
Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?
The Dude: No you’re not wrong.
Walter Sobchak: Am I wrong?
The Dude: You’re not wrong Walter. You’re just an a**hole.
Walter Sobchak: Okay then.
3
The Dude: [repeated line by The Dude and others] That rug really tied the room together.
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4
Walter Sobchak: Fu** it, Dude, let’s go bowling.
5
Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh… a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh… uh, my briefcase.
Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase?
The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.
Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?
The Dude: I’m unemployed.
6
Malibu Police Chief: I don’t like your je**-off name, i don’t like your je**-off face and i don’t like you. Je**-off. Do i make myself clear?
The Dude: I’m sorry I wasn’t listening, can you repeat that?
7
Walter Sobchak: I’m saying, I see what you’re getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it’s shabbas, the sabbath, which I’m allowed to break only if it’s a matter of life or death…
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You’re not even f***ing Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the fu** are you talkin’ about?
The Dude: Man, you’re fu**ing Polish Catholic…
Walter Sobchak: What the fu** are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five fu**ing years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It’s all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fu**ing dog. Going to her fu**ing synagogue. You’re living in the fu**ing past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax…
[shouting]
Walter Sobchak: You’re goddamn right I’m living in the fu**ing past!
8
[Maude shows the po** video starring Bunny to the Dude]
Sherry in ‘Logjammin’: [on video] You must be here to fix the cable.
Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
The Dude: He fixes the cable?
Maude Lebowski: Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey.
9
The Dude: What’s in the fu**in’ carrier?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that’s Cynthia’s dog. I think it’s a Pomeranian. I can’t leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I’m watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.
The Dude: You brought the fu**in’ Pomeranian bowling?
Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn’t rent it shoes. I’m not buying it a fu**ing beer. He’s not taking your fu**ing turn, Dude.
The Dude: Man, if my fu**in’ ex-wife asked me to take care of her fu**in’ dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I’d tell her to go fu** herself.
10
The Big Lebowski: Are you employed, sir?
The Dude: Employed?
The Big Lebowski: You don’t go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?
The Dude: Is this a… what day is this?
The Big Lebowski: Well, I do work sir, so if you don’t mind…
The Dude: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.
11
The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don’t know about you but I take comfort in that. It’s good knowin’ he’s out there. The Dude. Takin’ ‘er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.
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12
Bunny Lebowski: I’ll suck your co** for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We’re all, we’re all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can’t watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That’s marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I’m just gonna go find a cash machine.
13
Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fu**ed, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we’re gonna fu** you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.
Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy sh** with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your a** and pull the fu**ing trigger ’til it goes “click.”
The Dude: Jesus.
Jesus Quintana: You said it, man. Nobody fu**s with the Jesus.
Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.
14
The Dude: Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fu** are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? No, what the fu** are you… I’m not… We’re talking about unchecked aggression here, dude.
Donny: What the fu** is he talking about?
The Dude: My rug.
Walter Sobchak: Forget it, Donny, you’re out of your element!
The Dude: Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can’t go give him a bill, so what the fu** are you talking about?
Walter Sobchak: What the fu** are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT… Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.
The Dude: Walter, this isn’t a guy who built the railroads here. This is a guy…
Walter Sobchak: What the fu** are you…?
The Dude: Walter, he peed on my rug!
Donny: He peed on the Dude’s rug.
Walter Sobchak: Donny you’re out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!
15
The Dude: It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh…
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I’m trying to say…
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: That fu**ing bitch…
The Dude: Oh yeah!
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter Sobchak: Shut the fu** up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
Donny: What the fu** is he talking about, Dude?
16
The Dude: Walter, ya know, it’s Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It’s just a game, man.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn’t over. Gimme the marker Dude, I’m marking it 8.
Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.
The Dude: Walter…
Walter Sobchak: You mark that frame an 8, and you’re entering a world of pain.
Smokey: I’m not…
Walter Sobchak: A world of pain.
Smokey: Dude, he’s your partner…
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!
The Dude: They’re calling the cops, put the piece away.
Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero!
[points gun in Smokey’s face]
The Dude: Walter…
Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I’m fu**ing around here? Mark it zero!
Smokey: All right, it’s fu**ing zero. Are you happy, you crazy fu**?
Walter Sobchak: …It’s a league game, Smokey.
17
[first lines] The Stranger: [voiceover] Way out west there was this fella… fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. Lebowski, he called himself “The Dude”. Now, “Dude” – that’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place so darned interestin’. They call Los Angeles the “City Of Angels.” I didn’t find it to be that, exactly. But I’ll allow there are some nice folks there. ‘Course I can’t say I’ve seen London, and I ain’t never been to France. And I ain’t never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I’ll tell you what – after seeing Los Angeles, and this here story I’m about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin’ every bit as stupefyin’ as you’d see in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here story I’m about to unfold took place back in the early ’90s – just about the time of our conflict with Sad’m and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man… I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here. Sometimes, there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude, in Los Angeles. And even if he’s a lazy man – and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a man, sometimes, there’s a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But… aw, hell. I’ve done introduced him enough.
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Roman Marshanski is the founder of Humoropedia.com and former Hollywood actor. You can Google his name to see the list of his movies (or you can click on his name above this box to visit his personal website). He wrote thousands of pages of fiction. Some of that fictional writing is screenplays and a lot of it is comedic writing. So he completed two feature film screenplays and many shorter literary works, some of which are comedy. He did most of that writing during his film career as a Hollywood actor. He was the lead actor in Rebecca Cremona's Magdalena. Rebecca Cremona was Steven Spielberg's protege on Munich. So he has a deep understanding of the creative process and can be considered an authority on all things related to humor. Indeed, his screenplays contain a lot of humor. That's where his love for jokes started. Eventually, this love of jokes led Roman to the creation of Humoropedia.com, the wonderful home of funny jokes and witty puns. He thinks humor is something very good. If you also think so, please follow him on X now because he has a sense of humor.
