Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston Zeddemore: Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
[Dana has described seeing a terror dog in her refrigerator] Dr. Peter Venkman: Generally you don’t see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.
Dr Ray Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You’re right, no *human being* would stack books like this.
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Dana Barrett: [as The Gatekeeper] I want you inside me.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [referring to her radical change in personality] Go ahead! No, I can’t. It sounds like you’ve got at least two or three people in there already.
Dr. Peter Venkman: We’ve been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay Puft’s okay! He’s a sailor, he’s in New York; we get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble!
Dana Barrett: That’s the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a crime.
Winston Zeddemore: Ray. If someone asks if you are a god, you say, “yes!”
Dr Ray Stantz: Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities, we didn’t have to produce anything! You’ve never been out of college! You don’t know what it’s like out there! I’ve *worked* in the private sector. They expect *results*.
[as Dana puts strings on her cello, Ray is being interviewed by Joe Frankin on television] Joe Franklin: As they say in T.V., I’m sure there’s one big question on everybody’s mind, and I imagine you are the man to answer that. How is Elvis, and have you seen him lately?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I’m worried, Ray. It’s getting crowded in there and all my data points to something big on the horizon.
Winston Zeddemore: What do you mean, big?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie… thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.
Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true.
[pause] Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.
Walter Peck: Jeez!
[Charges at Venkman] Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!
Walter Peck: All right, all right, all right!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that’s what I heard!
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Dr. Egon Spengler: Oh good, you’re here!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, what have you got?
Dr. Egon Spengler: This is big, Peter, this is very big. There is definitely something here.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
Dr. Egon Spengler: That would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [as the Ghostbusters approach Gozer] Grab your stick!
[the Ghostbusters draw their handsets] Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: HOLDIN’!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat ’em up!
[they arm their packs] Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: SMOKIN’!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Make ’em hard!
[they rack their handsets] Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: READY!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown… THROW IT!
Dr Ray Stantz: Are you okay?
Louis: Who are you guys?
Dr Ray Stantz: We’re the Ghostbusters.
Louis: Who does your taxes?
Dr Ray Stantz: You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual.
Louis: I know!
Dr Ray Stantz: You have been a participant in the biggest interdimensional cross rip since the Tunguska blast of 1909!
Louis: Felt great.
Dr. Egon Spengler: We’d like to get a sample of your brain tissue.
Dr. Egon Spengler: There’s something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, “bad”?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That’s bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.
Gozer: The Choice is made!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa! Ho! Ho! Whoa-oa!
Gozer: The Traveller has come!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nobody choosed anything!
[turns to Egon] Dr. Peter Venkman: Did you choose anything?
Dr. Egon Spengler: No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Winston] Did YOU?
Winston Zeddemore: My mind is totally blank.
Dr. Peter Venkman: *I* didn’t choose anything…
[long pause, Peter, Egon and Winston all look at Ray] Dr Ray Stantz: I couldn’t help it. It just popped in there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [angrily] What? *What* “just popped in there?”
Dr Ray Stantz: I… I… I tried to think…
Dr. Egon Spengler: LOOK!
[they all look over one side of the roof] Dr Ray Stantz: No! It CAN’T be!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What is it?
Dr Ray Stantz: It CAN’T be!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What did you DO, Ray?
Winston Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
[they all see a giant cubic white head topped with a sailor hat, Peter looks at Ray] Dr Ray Stantz: [somberly] It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Dr Ray Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven’t had a successful test of this equipment.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.
Dr Ray Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.
Dr. Peter Venkman: How?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We’ll cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: ‘Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!
Dr Ray Stantz: Cross the streams…
Dr. Peter Venkman: You’re gonna endanger us, you’re gonna endanger our client – the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog…
Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There’s definitely a *very slim* chance we’ll survive.
[pause while they consider this] Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it! LET’S DO IT!
Dr Ray Stantz: Listen… do you smell something?
Dr Ray Stantz: [astounded] Wow! Talk about telekinetic activity, look at this mess!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Ray, look at this.
Dr Ray Stantz: Ectoplasmic residue.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Venkman, get a sample of this.
Dr Ray Stantz: It’s the real thing.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Someone blows their nose and you want to keep it?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I’d like to analyze it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [gets the slime on his hand] Whoa, ah.
Dr. Egon Spengler: This way.
[Venkman tries to wipe the slime off of his hand]
Dr Ray Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian… good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.
Man at Elevator: What are you supposed to be, some kind of a cosmonaut?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, we’re exterminators. Someone saw a cockroach up on twelve.
Man at Elevator: That’s gotta be some cockroach.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Bite your head off, man.
Dr Ray Stantz: [Entering elevator] Going up?
Man at Elevator: I’ll take the next one.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What I’d really like to do is talk to Dana. Dana? It’s Peter.
Dana Barrett: There is no Dana, there is only Zuul.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Zuulie, you nut, now c’mon. Just relax, c’mon. I want to talk to Dana. Dana, Dana. Can I talk to Dana?
Dana Barrett: [in an inhuman demonic voice] There is no Dana, only Zuul!
Dr. Peter Venkman: What a lovely singing voice you must have.
Louis: [Louis, as the possessed Keymaster Vinz Clortho, runs out of Central Park, scaring a married couple] I am the Keymaster! The Destructor is coming. Gozer the Traveler, the Destroyer.
[Louis pants and sniffs, then notices a horse carriage; horse neighs] Louis: Gatekeeper.
[Walk over towards the horse] Louis: I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?
Coachman: Hey, he pulls the wagon, I made the deals. You want a ride?
[the possessed Louis growls at the coachman with his red-glowing eyes] Louis: [to the horse] Wait for the sign. Then our prisoners will be released.
[Runs amok, scaring bystanders; yelling] Louis: You will perish in flame, you and all your kind! Gatekeeper!
Coachman: What an asshole.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon… what’ve you got left?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’d call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?
Librarian Alice: No.
Dr. Peter Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?
Library Administrator: What has that got to do with it?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Back off, man. I’m a scientist.[clearing away tables in the dining room to make room for the ghost trap] Dr Ray Stantz: I’ve gotta get this in the clear…!
Dr Ray Stantz: Wait, wait, wait! I’ve always wanted to do this…
[He yanks a tablecloth off of a table, overturning and shattering everything except the centerpiece in the middle] Dr. Peter Venkman: [triumphantly] And the flowers are still standing!
Dr Ray Stantz: I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Nice thinkin’, Ray.
Janine Melnitz: You’re very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Print is dead.
Janine Melnitz: Oh, that’s very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I’m too intellectual but I think it’s a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play raquetball. Do you have any hobbies?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Egon, what do you think?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [looking up and blinding Peter with his headlamp] She’s telling the truth. At least, she thinks she is.
Dana Barrett: Well, of course I’m telling the truth! Who would make up a story like that?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [becoming suave] Some are people who just want attention. Others, just nutballs who come in off the street.
Dr Ray Stantz: You know what it could be? Past-life experience intruding on present time.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Could be race memory stored in the collective unconscious. I wouldn’t rule out clairvoyance or telepathic contact either.
Dana Barrett: I’m sorry, I don’t believe in any of those things.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that’s all right. I don’t either.[In a TV commercial] Dr Ray Stantz: Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Have you or your family ever seen a spook, spectre or ghost?
Dr Ray Stantz: If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals…
Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: Ghostbusters.
Dr Ray Stantz: Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.
Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman: We’re ready to believe you.[while trying to catch the Slimer, the Ghostbusters cause a lot of damage to the hotel with their energy streams] Dr. Peter Venkman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice shootin’, Tex!
Dr Ray Stantz: [holding ghost trap like a rat by the tail] We got it!
Hotel Manager: What is it? Will there be any more of them?
Dr Ray Stantz: Sir, what you have there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm, or a Class Five full roaming vapor. Real nasty one, too!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Now, let’s talk seriously, now. For the entrapment, we’re gonna have to ask you for…
Dr. Egon Spengler: [holds up four fingers] Dr. Peter Venkman: …four big ones. Four thousand dollars for that. But we are having a special this week on proton charging…
Dr. Egon Spengler: [holds up one finger] Dr. Peter Venkman: …one thousand dollars, fortunately.
Hotel Manager: Five thousand dollars? I had no idea it would be so much. I won’t pay it.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, that’s all right, we can just put it right back in there.
Dr Ray Stantz: We certainly can, Dr. Venkman.
[turning back to ballroom] Hotel Manager: No, no, no, no! All right! I’ll pay anything!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Thanks so much.
Walter Peck: I’m Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection?
[Venkman shakes hands with Peck and still has ectoplasm on his hands] Walter Peck: Agency, the third district.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Peck is wiping the ectoplasm on his jacket] Great, how’s it going down there?
Walter Peck: Are you Peter Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, I’m *Doctor* Venkman!
Walter Peck: Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I have a PhD in parapsychology and psychology.
Walter Peck: And now, you catch ghosts?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, you could say that.
Walter Peck: And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m not at liberty to say.
Walter Peck: And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Into a storage facility.
Walter Peck: And would this storage facility be located on these premises?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes.
Walter Peck: And may I see this storage facility?
Dr. Peter Venkman: No.
Walter Peck: And why not, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Because you did not use the magic word.
Walter Peck: What is the magic word, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: [looking surprised] Please!
Walter Peck: May I *please* see the storage facility, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why do you want to see the storage facility?
Walter Peck: Because I’m curious. I wanna know more about what you do here! Frankly, I’ve heard a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possibility of dangerous and possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement.
[Peck is angered] Walter Peck: Now you either *show me* what is down there, or I come back with a court order.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Venkman snaps back] You go get a court order, and I’ll sue your funny ass for wrongful prosecution.
Walter Peck: You can have it your way, Mr. Venkman.
Gozer: [after Ray orders her to re-locate] Are you a God?
[Ray looks at Peter, who nonchalantly nods yes] Dr Ray Stantz: No.
Gozer: Then… DIE!
[Lightning flies from her fingers, driving the Ghostbusters to the edge of the roof and almost off; people below scream] Winston Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!
Dr. Peter Venkman: All right! This chick is TOAST!
Dr. Peter Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?
Dr Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Mayor: All right, all right! I get the point!
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