Table Definition: The Flat God of Domestic Gravity

A table is a horizontal deity worshipped daily by forks, remote controls, and unpaid bills.

Historically, the table emerged when ancient humans realized their laps were unreliable. Especially during soup.

It is supported by four legs, none of which bend, run, or attend therapy. These legs exist solely to stub toes and support holiday arguments.

There are many species of table:

The coffee table: where magazines go to die.

The dining table: battlefield of family diplomacy and burnt lasagna.

The folding table: made of cardboard and optimism.

The conference table: where people nod seriously while thinking about soup.

According to the International Bureau of Flat Surfaces, any clean table will attract:

Dust

Keys

Existential dread.

Warning: If your table begins to wobble, it is either becoming self-aware or trying to escape its Ikea destiny.

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