Egalitarian Definition: When Equality Gets Lost in a Bakery
Egalitarian, from the ancient Latin equalis, meaning “equal,” and tarian, meaning “probably in the dessert section.” It refers to the belief that all people should be treated the same, regardless of wealth, status, or how much they hum when they chew.
In theory, an egalitarian society ensures fairness and equal opportunity. In practice, it often means your cousin Dave insists on “splitting the cake evenly” while slicing himself a piece that defies geometry.
Egalitarianism thrives in idealistic speeches, cooperative board games, and utopian communes that dissolve the moment someone hoards the apricots. It collapses instantly when there’s only one chair left and two people are tired.
In rural settings, egalitarianism is sometimes expressed by “taking turns” in ways that feel mathematically suspicious. For example, one farmer gets to borrow the neighbor’s canoe today, and the neighbor gets to borrow the farmer’s canoe tomorrow — despite the fact that there is only one canoe, and it has been stuck in a tree since the Great Flood of ’93.
In office life, egalitarian principles appear during potlucks, where everyone is encouraged to “bring a dish,” yet all contributions are secretly ranked, and the person who brought plain crackers is definitely not getting the good hummus.
In romantic relationships, egalitarianism means alternating who chooses the movie — until both partners realize they’re both picking documentaries about whales, but pretending they’re doing it “for the other person.”
Egalitarian systems work beautifully on paper, especially in the hands of philosophers who have never had to share a blanket in a cold cabin. They work slightly less well in situations involving last slices of pizza, karaoke microphone control, or deciding whose playlist gets road trip dominance.
Warning: Prolonged exposure to actual egalitarian systems may cause dizziness, excessive fairness, and uncontrollable urges to redistribute sandwiches. It may also result in the development of new units of measurement such as the “sympathy cookie” or the “regretful half-scoop.”
