This Is How Barack Obama Will Punish North Korea For Sony Cyberattack

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You may have heard of a recent cyberattack on Sony. You may have also heard of allegations that North Korea orchestrated them. What you haven’t heard is how Obama is going to do that, as he has issued only the following vague statement:

“We will respond,” Mr Obama told reporters on Friday, declining to offer specifics. “We will respond proportionately and in a space, time and manner that we choose.”

He added: “We cannot have a society in which some dictator someplace can start imposing censorship in the United States.”

Sunday evening, however, Barack Obama has issued the following, much more specific, statement:

I, Barack Obama, am so incompetent that I have no other way to retaliate against North Korea but to write a bad review. Yes, I will write a bad review about one of North Korea’s movies. I will say bad things about North Korean filmmakers in that review and maybe even about the leader of North Korea. That’s how tough I am.

The problem with that approach is North Korea does not make any movies. So Obama will have to help pay for North Korean movies, then write bad reviews about them. That would help both sides: Obama would get his revenge, North Korea would get its film industry jump-started. That’s what I call a true win-win.

North Korean leader is said to be looking forward to that movie review, so that he could hack the site where it was posted. Let’s wait till then, and now just pretend that Sony was hacked by itself, because no one really knows who hacked Sony. The evidence FBI has is slim, and I would not be surprised if they ended up apologizing to North Korea for defamation.

We all know how little the budget of FBI is. So it should come as no surprise that “the FBI’s evidence has not been fully laid out”. If it was fully laid out, North Korea and everyone else would have a good laugh at how slim it is. Well, since it is practically impossible to attribute this attack to any nation, lots of experts are already having a laugh.

Here is how slim the main part of FBI evidence is:

The FBI says its analysis spotted distinct similarities between the type of malware used in the Sony Pictures hack and code used in an attack on South Korea last year.

Suspicious, yes, but well short of being a smoking gun. When any malware is discovered, it is shared around many experts for analysis – any attacker could simply reversion the code for their own use, like a cover version of a song.

When you cite something so doubtful as this, you must be desperate for evidence. So is FBI. Or they are just pretending to be doing a bad job so they could get a bigger budget next year.

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Roman Marshanski

Roman Marshanski

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